Monday, July 30, 2007

Staying accountable

We're back from camping and it's back to normal life, plus it's day 1 of the new workout/eating plan. I have to say that the nicest thing about it thus far is the accountability to someone who's not me!

Over the weekend things went up then down then up, and so on, just like life, right? My counselor (that sounds funny!) wants me to pay attention to strong emotions, and the thoughts that preceed them. I notice that my thoughts are pretty immature, a la "always or never" and thoughts like "Nobody ever listens to me" are not ones that lead to emotional health.

When I talked with Tony on Thursday he spent a lot of time emphasizing how important it is to take charge of your thoughts and to make sure your thoughts support what you're trying to do. The combination of paying attention AND taking charge helped me this morning. I wanted to get my workout done, but Tim was trying to resolve some computer issues for me and I felt like it would be disloyal and unsupportive to leave. But I was feeling more and more trapped as time went on. Then I realized that nobody was asking me to stay home and putter just because he was on the phone with support. So I changed clothes and headed out for what turned into a fabuous 5 mile run.

More to say, but no time to type it right now. Hugs to everyone and MAKE it a wonderful day!


KatieFeldmom said...

YAY FOR DAY 1!!! Great job on the run too!!!

Colette said...

I am so happy that you realized that nobody was asking you to stay. If nothing else, you could always just ask if he'd mind you going out for a bit...of course he wouldn't.

Hugs to you and keep thinking positive thought.

Eileen said...

Don't you wish we could just WIPE our brains clean now and then...sort of like getting a new hard drive or at least a virus scan, you know? Just to sweep out those thoughts that are doing us no good....

I'm right there with you sista!

Brit-Man said...

The main thing Leslie, is to keep believing in yourself.

I know you won't take anything I say now as a criticism, these are just some honest supportive, thoughts of mine, because I think you deserve to hear them.

Deep down inside, you are essentially emotionally beautiful, which is not an exaggeration, but you possibly need to see more value in those sides of you.

I think you potentially have very good emotional aspects of your personality, but you maybe use the negative ones like a maths equation. You don't keep them seperate enough, you use the negative ones to harm the good ones.

It's like if someone has a good day then something slightly negative happens, like a stubbed Toe, or a bit of food falls on their clothes, for example, they feel negative about the pain, or about the messy stain, but forget the pain, or change the clothes, soon afterwards, and get on with things.

You perhaps would take that as a sign that you had more good things happen that day, than you should have, and fate reminded you in some way, to feel less positive, which might make you feel like that, making any more nice thigs that day feel ordinary.

I think you possibly don't see yourself like you should, for fear of being hurt.

Feeling too good or too confident about yourself, could lead to upset, when something physically or emotionally negative happens, and you aren't prepared for the possibility of such a negative thing, making it harder to handle.

So you possibly create barriers in your head to positivity, so you're consciously aware of the possibility of negative physical and emotional things, incase they happen.

Possibly thinking too often that negative things may happen provides comfort, knowing when they do, you won't fall of some big happy emotional pedastel, you haven't placed yourself on.

I think you possibly see yourself as someone who likes to please others, but not yourself too often, like pleasing yourself, or feeling too much emotional satisfaction, is more than you deserve, or is greedy, like you have no right to be deleriously happy with yourself or your deeds, just mildly satisfied sometimes, or as if being too happy with something is vain.

I imagine, you have perhaps at some point in your past, contemplated maybe just running up a small hill, and doing a Rocky Balboa type celebration, as if to say I'm Leslie, and I'm a wonderful human person, like a total adrenaline rush, or expession of emotional freedom, but in your mind that's a fairy tail ending, to a sort of struggle, you've had for many a long while, and to do that, would
chane you compeltely into someone new, and someone you fear you can't become.

Like someone who believes they can't lose say 100lb's of excess weight, and no matter how hard they try, can't get beyond the first 30-40lb's.

Perhaps subconsciously, you feel a certain affinity to your darker sides, in a simlar way to your positive sides, because you have your good side, we could call Skywalker, and your dark side Vader, and Vader could become like Skywalker, but if he did, like in the film and changed positively, you wouldn't have that mental battle between the two forces.

In a strange way, you might be subconsciously wanting that battle, because it's like a weight loss challenge, or running a 5k race, when it's done, what's next?

The fear of ending the battle, but thereby creating a newer, possibly more scarier mental landscape.

Maybe you sunconsciously limit your positve side, so you can feel more grounded, and not become so positive you give yourself too much you time, at the expense of others.

If this all sounds like pretencious B.S. or anything like that, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to psycho-analyse you, but I care enough to say what I felt, so I hope you won't judge me for it, it wasn't said to criticise as I stated.

Anyway, whatever you do, and whatever life brings you, I will always try to be around, and my very best wishes, support, and understanding will be constantly yours, as it is for others, so you be strong, best wishes, and don't forget how much you mean to others.

Who needs expensive things in their life, when they can have people like you instead?

Money and possesions can never replace someone like you. FACT!!!!

Have a brilliant day misses, and take care.

:-) :-).