Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nuthin' But...

It's been almost a week since I've written. As my friend Stacy pointed out today, big stretches of time where I don't write usually mean something's not going well in leslieland. Yes Stacy, you were right. But first,

A Mike update
Mike is OUT OF THE HOSPITAL! He is weak (understandably -- hospitals are not a great place for r&r, as anyone who's done a hospital stay well knows) and his future is uncertain (double lung transplant is one possibility), but that he gets to see another day is a true miracle. Again, thank you for prayers and keep 'em coming if you can.

Vacation blues
We really did have a great trip to DC and NY. But one not so good thing that came out of the trip was a clear picture of how competent, super-competent, uber-competent my husband is, and how icky I feel about myself in comparison. Honestly, Tim is one of the most capable men I know. And his talents are evident in many, if not all, situations, and they were especially great while travelling. Tim can handle unfamiliar surroundings, being lost, public transportation, and any other possible travel mishap with apparent ease. I, on the other hand, have strengths in other areas, I guess. So I came home from vacation feeling small and worthless. (In case you're wondering, I do this to me. Yeah, me and me alone.)

Part of what makes travel (and life) hard is that when I'm taking an anti-depressant, I have the short-term memory of an amoeba. So I can't remember squat. So when we got back, I decided to stop taking anti-depressants for the first time in six years. And the last few weeks have been tough, to say the least. First there was the dizziness that comes with the detox, and now it's just the difficulty in finding emotional equilibrium. And of course my pride steps in and I don't want to tell anyone. So I can't write in my weblog. Nor can I really hang out with anyone, since my emotions are so raw and life is such a fucking struggle. And yeah, it's ironic that writing and friends are both things that could make this whole journey easier.

Where things were yesterday
Yesterday was one of the most miserable days I've had in a long time. Kids are out of school. I feel like an unappreciated, invisible yard duty (oh, and I'm bored and lonely too). What's great about yesterday being SO bad is that it forced me to look at changing things, because even me, the queen of "it's ok, as long as the kids are happy!" couldn't put a positive spin on the day. And the kids weren't really all that happy either.

What went right yesterday
I ate clean.
I ran 4 miles (in 100 degree heat -- thank GOD for having a pool!).
I'm changing things starting today.

What's going right today
I'm training 2 clients (one at 8:30, one in just a few minutes)
After that the kids and I are getting OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Two other positive things
I'm starting counseling tomorrow. The pull of my childhood (which I would NOT repeat) just feels really strong right now in ways that need to change. So I'm going to see a counselor to help me get past some old ideas. If she suggests going back on anti-ds, I'll consider it. But not without a lot of prayer and careful thought (running out of time now...)

Also, I'm going to do a month of training with Tony of DreamBodies. I wasn't going to write about this, because I feared it would make me seem not credible or not good somehow. But I'd love to have some accountability for a month and figure this is a really good way to get it. Plus, how can I lose when this gives me a chance to learn from someone who's had such fabulous success with my blogging friends?!?!

On a vegetarian note
I've been eating almost exclusively vegetarian for the last month and I really like how I feel. And today I picked up our first CSA (community supported agriculture) harvest box, so now I have some wonderful organic fruits and veggies to play with for tonight's dinner.

Guess I'd better click on "publish" cuz I'm really tempted to delete this entire thing. But I was committed to telling the truth, and this, my friends, is the whole truth.


Brit-Man said...

Well I could get really deep and philosophcial about this Leslie, but whatever you do, ' have and never would think any less of you for it.

Even some pro BB's use someone else to kickstart their results, because it gives extra motivation, or extra impetus / ways of looking at things.

Whatever you want to do just do it, and don't worry about how people are going to think or feel.

Nobody is going to see you for someone, who fronts out some sort of weaknesses or failings, with false confidence.

You are the genuine article. You haven't had things easy that's obvious, when you occasionally post things like before, that hint of, (said respectfully), an uneven past, but no matter what, you are nothing but genuine, warm, and very, very human.

You know yourself best, but I believe this is you best and brightest chance, to get away from the, (not sure how to say this), lure or calling of the meds, but it is something you CAN get over, and something I know you WILL get over, as long as you're strong, and keep believing in yourself.

So don't worry okay. I personally, (and I believe others too), would never ever see you for anything than what you are.

You would have to do something seriously terrible, to diminish my respect in you, and what I think of you as a person.

So whatever you need to do to take another step forward in life, or get over another obstacle, do it, and just know you CAN, and you are capable of so much as a person, and don't ever fear yourself, or your potential, but embrace it, and embrace the person you've become.

You should be so proud of the person you are, and it's easy for most people to be inhuman sometimes, or often, but it's a heck of a challenge every day, to be as human as you are, and that should be considered one of your biggest and proudest achievements, to be a 46 year old beacon of warmth, love, and personality.

You've got a lot still to offer this world and others, don't doubt it Leslie, it WILL happen.

All I can say now is, GOOD LUCK with all your forthcoming plans, walk tall, be strong, and believe in your Head and Heart to guide you as always, and you will find more of your promise, and more of the personal success you deserve.

You're a fantastic human rolemodel Leslie, be very proud of all you are, and all you mean to others, and just take this time, to give yourself more of what you think you deserve to feel.

No one should ever think less of you in the slightest for these choices.

Have a wonderful day, and just keep on being you.

There is something valuable, and quite special about it, and it will always be a wonderful thing for anybody to experience, and for those who know you, like I do, it's appreciated immensely.

Take care Leslie, and GOOD LUCK again.

:-) :-).


Eileen said...

Summer....I have been bitching about it since it began, and now it's almost over for us and I'm still bitching. And the bitching has not helped me a whole lot!

That said, it has certainly been a learning experience. Structure makes a big difference...I am not someone who can just "wing" it from day to day, which is how this entire summer has gone. I had big plans, but no PLAN, therefore nothing has really gotten done.

My point here is that I think summer can be really hard on a parent who is home with the kids. I personally have had next to no time alone for the last few months and that's not ok with me. Next year, I will have a PLAN....

So know that you are not alone in your struggles with summer and spouses and all that.

You mention eating almost exclusively vegetarian....this is a big change. That combined with the chemical change (no meds) could be adding to your mental chaos.

You will be ok. I'm not sure you need medication...perhaps just a big THUMP on the head to remind you that you are not small and incompetent. Like you said, you have strengths. If you had all the same ones as your husband, you two would be in constant competition and that would not be good either.

Life is a struggle for everyone at times. I haven't had a great week (and it's only Tuesday!) myself, but there's always tomorrow.

Laurie said...

By no means should you feel guilty about going with Tony for a month, doctors, need doctors, therapists, need therapist, and on and on - I would think that personal trainers should have personal trainers too to make sure they are taking care of themselves and not just their clients. Good for you for doing what you need to do for you, which is what this post sounds like to me. No regrets.

Irene said...

The thing about putting it all out there (your honest feelings) is that you could be, in turn, helping someone else who feels just like you do. And about working out with Tony, keep in mind that all elite athletes have trainers. Just because you, a personal trainer, is working out with another peronsal trainer doesn't mess up your credibility. You both train people differently, plus he can give you that extra boost you need to rock those workouts. You're doing great. Remember the positive stuff!

Anonymous said...

Not much I can add here. I agree with everyone above. Just wanted to let you know I'm here and I care and you WILL get through all of this and come out shining.

Colette said...

I was wondering the same thing about you and why you haven't been writing. Next time I'm going to call you up. I am the same way when I'm feeling yucky...don't want to talk or see anyone! Weird.

I know you'll fight this, and I think seeing someone is a good idea. I know how childhood screws with your life...believe me! Just know you have a friend her who will be there to listen if you need one. I can understand where you're coming from and I am here for you.

Remember, not every day has to be fun and entertaining. It's okay for the kids to be bored...they can find stuff to do too. As far as Tim being so good at stuff....girl, take a look in the mirror...you are so great at so many things!! They may not be the same as what Tim is good at, but that is a good thing. You both bring different things to the table. You are your own worst critic and you need to stop that girl ;) You have overcome so many things and you have accomplished so many things...all that while taking great care of your family! WOW! How can you knock that? You are someone I admire and that my friend is no lie!

If you need a friend, I am here.

Pamela said...

Everyone has already written so many good things! So I'll just reitterate the fact that we are here darlin.. even when we're quieter..we here ;)

KatieFeldmom said...

WOW! Lots of good stuff already written. I agree with a lot of what's been said, especially the Tony part. I think you will learn some great things that you will be able to share with your clients.

Best of luck on the counseling part. I hope you are able to get past some of your old ideas.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is "I Love You". That's about it. Love Stacy