It's been almost a week since I've written. As my friend Stacy pointed out today, big stretches of time where I don't write usually mean something's not going well in leslieland. Yes Stacy, you were right. But first,
A Mike update
Mike is OUT OF THE HOSPITAL! He is weak (understandably -- hospitals are not a great place for r&r, as anyone who's done a hospital stay well knows) and his future is uncertain (double lung transplant is one possibility), but that he gets to see another day is a true miracle. Again, thank you for prayers and keep 'em coming if you can.
We really did have a great trip to DC and NY. But one not so good thing that came out of the trip was a clear picture of how competent, super-competent, uber-competent my husband is, and how icky I feel about myself in comparison. Honestly, Tim is one of the most capable men I know. And his talents are evident in many, if not all, situations, and they were especially great while travelling. Tim can handle unfamiliar surroundings, being lost, public transportation, and any other possible travel mishap with apparent ease. I, on the other hand, have strengths in other areas, I guess. So I came home from vacation feeling small and worthless. (In case you're wondering, I do this to me. Yeah, me and me alone.)
Part of what makes travel (and life) hard is that when I'm taking an anti-depressant, I have the short-term memory of an amoeba. So I can't remember squat. So when we got back, I decided to stop taking anti-depressants for the first time in six years. And the last few weeks have been tough, to say the least. First there was the dizziness that comes with the detox, and now it's just the difficulty in finding emotional equilibrium. And of course my pride steps in and I don't want to tell anyone. So I can't write in my weblog. Nor can I really hang out with anyone, since my emotions are so raw and life is such a fucking struggle. And yeah, it's ironic that writing and friends are both things that could make this whole journey easier.
Where things were yesterday
Yesterday was one of the most miserable days I've had in a long time. Kids are out of school. I feel like an unappreciated, invisible yard duty (oh, and I'm bored and lonely too). What's great about yesterday being SO bad is that it forced me to look at changing things, because even me, the queen of "it's ok, as long as the kids are happy!" couldn't put a positive spin on the day. And the kids weren't really all that happy either.
What went right yesterday
I ate clean.
I ran 4 miles (in 100 degree heat -- thank GOD for having a pool!).
I'm changing things starting today.
What's going right today
I'm training 2 clients (one at 8:30, one in just a few minutes)
After that the kids and I are getting OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Two other positive things
I'm starting counseling tomorrow. The pull of my childhood (which I would NOT repeat) just feels really strong right now in ways that need to change. So I'm going to see a counselor to help me get past some old ideas. If she suggests going back on anti-ds, I'll consider it. But not without a lot of prayer and careful thought (running out of time now...)
Also, I'm going to do a month of training with Tony of DreamBodies. I wasn't going to write about this, because I feared it would make me seem not credible or not good somehow. But I'd love to have some accountability for a month and figure this is a really good way to get it. Plus, how can I lose when this gives me a chance to learn from someone who's had such fabulous success with my blogging friends?!?!
On a vegetarian note
I've been eating almost exclusively vegetarian for the last month and I really like how I feel. And today I picked up our first CSA (community supported agriculture) harvest box, so now I have some wonderful organic fruits and veggies to play with for tonight's dinner.
Guess I'd better click on "publish" cuz I'm really tempted to delete this entire thing. But I was committed to telling the truth, and this, my friends, is the whole truth.