Thursday, August 26, 2010


On Monday I could barely get out of bed. The too-muchness of life was just too much. Here are the circumstances that contributed to my demise:

1. Parents. Without going into detail, things are tough and getting tougher, both for my parents and for those who love them. Getting stuff done feels a bit like steering the Titanic -- it takes tons of effort to make even the slightest change.
2. Teenagers. In emotional bank account terms, teens make tons of withdrawals and very few deposits.
3. Husband. Tim got LASIK (mono vision) on Friday and results were below his expectations by a lot. Plus he had a reaction to the preservatives in the drops. So my normally on-an-even-keel-as-long-as-he-gets-enough-golf-and-a-few-other-things man was scared, irritable, and exhausted.
4. Family. A marriage is ending in our beloved extended family and I feel heartbroken for everyone involved.
5. Me. In the name of "being gentle" I ate all the chocolate raisins. And Twizzlers. And giant spoonfuls of frosting.

If I could do a Venn diagram of these elements, the intersection would be insanity and depression.

So what's changed? A few things:

1. Serotonin. I've been off and on zoloft for nearly 10 years, more on than off, and on Monday I increased my dosage (my doctor has given me permission to do this). Do I want to be the poster child for the anti-d companies? Heck no. But for me at this time, it's the right thing to do.

2. Thoughts. More positive thoughts. These started coming after the serotonin boost, so maybe this is 1b, and zoloft is 1a. Don't care though. I could tell that my "I can do some things" muscle was getting stronger. And my awareness of God (real God, not church God) increased.

3. Connection. Rather than holding people at arms-length, I started seeking them out. Even though I still felt bad. Even though "how are you?" felt like a threatening question. And guess what? Talking with friends helped.

4. Action. My parents situation feels truly overwhelming, but if I just take it one step at a time, and remember that I'm not alone (thank goodness for my brother, who visits them every other day and takes my dad to the store), it's not quite as bad. This week's action has included getting some bills onto auto-pay, deciding on an accountant to do the taxes, and closing some bank accounts. Is this everything? Not even close. But it's SOMETHING!

5. Movement. Literally moving my ass has helped. Did a Dailey Method class with a friend on Tuesday even though I didn't want to. Ran with friends yesterday because I'd said I would be there. And this morning I did pullups, pushups, kettlebell swings, and DANCED to Earth Wind & Fire, who I saw in concert last night.

6. Nourishment. I'm still indulging (and yeah my weight is up some) but I'm adding in healthy options. So this afternoon I had a green smoothie AND some vanilla wafers instead of, oh say vanilla wafers and frosting. :) If history repeats itself, more movement and more nourishment will work, given some time.

The 107 degree heat has broken today, and life in general feels so much better!


Brit-Man said...

I really empathise with you Leslie and I can understand that it must be really hard right now, to think straight and concentrate on things.

I would not dream of casting judgement on any of your choices, but I can understand why you have made them and you will NEVER be a poster child, (as you put it), for anything other than being human and being a fighter :-).

Right now you have every right to be very proud of yourself, for what sort of person you have become, as a positive, healthy, strong Lady.

These qualities together with your terrific heart and character are things that will help see you through.

I have never doubted your ability, to be whatever sort of person someone else needs and you could certainly be seen as a rolemodel for life and how to get through even when things are hard.

I am thinking of you and I really do wish you so much luck and good wishes for the future. You are a spectacular individual and you do deserve more of the good things from life.

I hope you get them, bu know that no matter what, you ARE capable and you WILL come through things in your own unique and amazing way.

You just need to keep believing in yourself and remembering your own self worth and ability.

Take care, chin up and keep smiling yeah. I'm sure you are doing a pretty wonderful job, of managing all the little things right now and you CAN be proud of what you are doing to get through everything.

:-) :-).


Colette said...

My friend, I just want to give you a BIG hug!! I can't pretend I know how you feel about the parents situation, but I can only imagine how hard it is both physically and mentally. This is a part of our life that sucks big time!! You have to know what a wonderful daughter you are. I admire your strength and courage so much. So you need some help with the chemical balance...who cares...that does not make you weak, it makes you strong because you know what you need at this moment in your life. So you went south some on the's okay, youu are human and you are going through some tough times right now. Look at what you have overcome in your beat alcohol for one! You are one of the strongest women I know, both inside and out.

I'm so happy you went and had fun at a concert and you are letting friends back in. Life will get better and you will have hard times again, but that is what keeps us strong! Hang in there, and don't forget....I'm here anytime for you!

leslie said...

Matt and Colette -- THANK YOU SO MUCH! To know that people are out there makes my heart happy. The words of encouragement are so appreciated. And Colette, let's plan a fitness outing soon -- maybe after Labor Day?

Diana said...

For whatever reason, we always seem to think that when we let people/friends into our lives we have somewhat failed ourselves. I'm the same way-I always have/had the "I can do it myself" way of life. To allow people in, while extremely hard to do, really makes life better for all involved!
Jeff and I are dealing with his parents deal with "old age issues" and can relate somewhat to you. It's amazing how much "time" is actually spent doing this and that, BUT....when they're gone, then it seems like all we have is "time". It's hard, but it's the right thing to do and you will feel great about yourself for doing what you do.
Hang in there-remember take all the stress out on those kettlebells-they don't care!!
Keep reaching out to us here in "bloggy" land-we're all here to help however we can!

Jo Lynn said...

My thoughts are with you Leslie. I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. *So* much.