Saturday, May 16, 2009

The whole truth

Although this blog is primarily about fitness, whatever I happen to be enjoying at any given time also seems to make its way into my little wedge of the blogosphere. And I really like to focus on what's good, however...

...this last week has been one of the most difficult I've ever had. I lost interest in everything. Any hope I had vanished. I could barely drag myself out to exercise. Healthy eating? Gone. And I was in a very scary place emotionally.

So what's a girl to do when her hope is gone and she can barely drag her butt out of bed? Well in my case, the solution has been multi-faceted:
  • Honesty: I told my husband and a few key girlfriends exactly how I was feeling.
  • Medication: I increased the dose of the anti-depressant I take (my dr has given me the ok to bounce between two dosages, and believe me, uppping the dose has been a VERY good thing)
  • Professional help: I'm going to see a counselor this week (something I'd been planning to do at the first of the year, but that was when my dad started having troubles, so it got put on hold)
  • Physical help: I'm starting to eat foods that have a vitamin or two in them, and starting to get consistent with exercise once again.
My pride doesn't like what I'm writing, as I'd be way more comfortable saying, "Yep, I just picked myself up by my bootstraps and did what had to be done!" I don't want to be the poster child for anti-depressants. And I like to think that I require less than the average person to just keep on going. But the stresses of this year have taken their toll and it's time for things to change.

So why do I mention any of this? Because I feel that what I write presents a real picture of my life, albeit with a positive slant, and to exclude what's happening now would be a lie of omission. Would anyone else know? Nope. But I would. And there's the teensy weensy possibility that someone who reads this knows someone who's struggling, or could be struggling themselves, and in getting honest, maybe someone would know that they are not alone.

Today I can tell that my serotonin levels are better, as I'm starting to smile again. And I'm looking to the future with a small measure of hope. And that, my friends, is a VERY good thing!


Anonymous said...

Good to hear that Leslie. I have been where you are at, and one of the things I did that made a difference was to get back to my workouts. It was a struggle to get myself out the door that first time; and at times I struggle but I know that even a 20 minute walk out in the sunshine..which is becoming rare here in New England is all I need... Hang in there and know that you are not alone.


Eileen said...

{{{Hugs}}}} You've got lots going's understandable to be having a rough time with it. I'm glad you're taking steps to feel better and that it's working.

And just because I like getting and giving them, here's more {{{HUGS}}}}....

Irene said...

I wish more people would have the sense to do what you're doing. Life isn't always what we expect it to be, and you have to take care of yourself!

Jennifer said...

Thank you, Les, FOR YOU. YOu are a gift to us all.

LizN said...

I applaud you for your honesty. I suffer from depressive episodes and all I can say is thank goodness for Prozac and a good counsellor.


kara said...

Running is the only thing that keeps me going somedays...
Keep on running!Thinking about you and sending happy vibes your way : )

Colette said...

Honesty is the best policy, and thank you for that. It is good to show people that you are human...not his fitness/health machine. We can now open our arms to you and comfort you. You are strong and very smart. I know you will do whatever it takes to get back to "you". Sounds like you are doing all the right step to move forward girl. I'm here for you if need be ;)

Anonymous said...

Leslie - -
There are certain things that know no, from Istanbul, Turkey, know I support you in whatever decisions you make. You are an amazing teacher and we are all learning from you. S

Brit-Man said...

You certainly are not a poster girl for anything that you wouldn't want to be, but only things you would want to be.

You're a human being, and it's perfectly okay to have moments like this, but it doesn't ever mean that you are faulty, damaged, or that it ever affects your own human worth.

I don't know what it's like to have instances like you do, but I can empathise with you, that it is obviously a difficult thing to experience, when you perhaps feel as if your emotional or mental facets, are not always solid, that they sometimes bend too much, or that the colour spectrum is experiencing too much black in it.

Your honesty is very touching, and that's not meant to sound patronising, as I know its not easy to admit what you have, but admitting it whilst making it more real, and possibly more potent, also allows you to find ways to deal with it more, rather than pretend it's non-existant, or it's just a phase, or not as bad as usual.

I would have suggested possible things like Tryptophan, 5-htp, or maybe other types of things like that, that might have worked, but owing to some supplements interacting with medications, Grapefruit and Grapefruit juice sometimes too, I wouldn't suggest such things at this time.

I understand wht you're saying abotu your pride making you feel as if yes, I'd like to have done this or that, but your pride could be telling you, I actually wrote about this, and I actually took action to getting over it.

You know it takes some heart and courage to admit you are medicating in the way you are, and deciding to have councelling, as it's almost like laying yourself bare, and admitting I think I have a slight malfunction, I think I might be in some way damaged, or broken, but you certainly are none of those things.

There is in some ways a beauty to what you have written, something sensitive and personal from the heart, that cannot be seriously viewed by anyone as attention seeking behaviour or fakery, but only as someone expressing their deepest feelings about themselves as a person, and in some ways saying it's not how you want to feel, but it's okay to feel like that.

Potentially some people in your situation are misunderstood, perhaps as just "having one of those days", becasue it's not like having a chronic pain problem, where the physical problems are evident by the persons behaviour and actions, and I imagine it can sometimes be easy for someone, not to recognise another persons issue.

So you might feel like your pride has been dented by admitting this, but you shouldn't.

If anything you should feel proud for standing up and saying this is me, I am this person, It's not perfect, nor is it what I want to be, but it is me, and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say so, and it's not something I should or will apologise for.

You are just trying to do the best you can in difficult circumstances and you should be applauded for having the strength of character to speak about yourself like this. I appreciate it must be hard, but seriously WELL DONE, for saying it anyway misses, because it speaks volumes for you as a person, and says a lot more positive things, than you might have realised :-).

So keep your chin up, be strong, big steps forward, and don't ever feel bad about yourself for any of this when it happens. You're human, and in your case, you very much embody the meaning of being human, and it might not feel like it now, but there's so many positive things to come from such admissions and the power and strength they may give to others.

So again, I say feel proud of what you have done, and don't be afraid of anything that comes from it, becfasue you're a pretty amazing person, and nothing, certainly not an emotionally challenging episode, will ever change the things deep inside that make you who you are, unless you let them.

You have a lot of respect from me for this admission, and a lot of good wishes, and smiles :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-).

Keep on keeping on Leslie, try to kepe smiling if possible, keep reminding yourself of your achievements as well, because at your age, to look like you do, be the person you are, and have done some of the things you have done in life, is not easy, and being an anti-social bum loser, is far easier, so don't forget your own self worht, or what it means to others.

I think you're a constant source of sunlight and smiles to others, even when you don't feel like smiling, so there's plenty of things for you to feel good about.

GOOD LUCK misses. You are amazing, and I know you will get through this in your own special way.

:-) :-).


KK @ Running Through Life said...

Hugs to you and all you have going on!