Friday, November 10, 2006

This post has no title

I use this weblog as my journal, which means I write down both the good and the bad stuff in life. And although I prefer writing when things are good, writing is so much more meaningful when things are tough, and I'm using the weblog to figure life out.

So what's bad is Wellbutrin, the new antidepressant I was on. And I'm bummed. Because while switching anti-d's did make my mind sharper, it was like switching my sex drive to "off." And that is NOT acceptable to me. This week I've gone back on Zoloft, and while overall it's a better choice for me, it really eff-s with my short-term memory and that makes me feel stupid.

I worked for a computer company for 10 years, and that meant I worked with a lot of men who loved science fiction, so I was exposed to a new genre. There was a book by Piers Anthony (I think) where one of the characters was so fascinating that I've always remembered her. This woman changed as the moon changed, so for half of the month she was fascinating to talk with, and a companion in every way a man could want. Only catch? Ugly as ugly can be. As the month progressed, she got more and more beautiful, but less and less interesting. I feel a little like this woman, in that I can feel my "sharpness" slipping away. And it causes me to get very quiet, because in conversation, for example, by the time I get a chance to speak, I've forgotten what I had in my head just moments before.

Maybe I'm like Rush Limbaugh -- "...with one half of my brain tied behind my back!" Honestly, even writing about it is making me feel a little bit better. And it gives me incentive to get my training room DONE, cuz when I train at the gym, I can't rely on a clipboard and notes to know what to do next, and while that's hard for anyone, it's especially challenging for me.

Ok, enough from me. If you're having a three-day weekend, enjoy it like crazy!


Brit-Man said...

Leslie, I won't pretend to know how you truly feel, only you can ever know that, but to me you certainly never lose anything in translation.

This might sound a bit unusual, it could even be psychobabble, or just plain old longwinded rubbish, but you write about the very essence of you a lot, and thinking about it now, it's kind of very earthy and warm, perhaps like a drink, where each ingredient is slowly added for 10 years, and then another starts to be added, so by now you've got over 40 years of life, which is quite flavoursome, tastes unique, and everybody wants a sip.

Yours is a glass people like to drink from. You are stimulating, colourful, and with a lot of depth.

There's always something for everyone, that's what's so great about you. You're all things to everyone, and that's why to me, you will never be someone who is mostly one thing, and very little of the other, and then slowly goes to the other end of the spectrum, as it seemed you were implying.

You have that spectrum, but just let people explore it themselves.

Your blog paints pictures, for people to look at, pictures of you, your inner self, the inner woman, and that's great to read.

You have such a very versatile personality. I don't see what you are describing as a symptom of anything, or the result of Meds, I see it as you expressing the rich diversity, of your mental and emotional sides, and that's a wonderful thing to be proud of.

You don't hide some of yourself away, you let it be seen, you are really, really three dimensional, and never cover up a dimension, but let people explore you as a person, and admire and appreciate you better.

So however you feel, feel proud of how you express it, because it's a wondeful thing when you can feel free to let go, without worrying about how others will feel sometimes, or worrying you'll be judged sometimes.

Your writing here, is a great part of your self expression, and it does you so much credit, that you can write about anything good or bad, without ever feeling too down, or wanting to remove your blog, and never post again, or start anew months later.

Perhaps some things are never meant to be figured out. There may be an ability to understand what you feel, but never to know the ultimate answer of why?

I guess you could just think that you're a little different to most, but different good, different interesting, and certainly never justify yourself to people, but be proud of your unique human qualities.

Fact is we're all a little unusual to some. There can't be a definitive description of a normal person surely, no definite right answer, but you embrace and express your unique human attributes, and that to me is writing good stuff, as it says "this is part of me, I'm not afraid to say it, and it gives me more personality, more depth, more richness", and in a strange way, although you're expressing a negative feeling, you're doing it in a positive way, and just doing it.

So I think you should feel very proud of what you've written.

Whatever happens, like many other blogs I read, nothing about what you write ever changes, it's always wonderfully spacious, and there's a fantastic landscape for those who look hard enough.

Be proud of your many facets Leslie. You're an inspiring and interesting person, and that will always be a good thing :-).

Have a great day, and best wishes to you :-) :-).


Eileen said...

I've thought of carrying a clipboard with me at the gym (even though no one else does it) but I never remember to (1) go buy a small one and then (2) I would need to remember to bring it with me. I do like working out at home because I like having notes, but I like the gym because they have a BABYSITTER!