Thursday, June 14, 2007

Links are working/Brain is not

I edited the html code and checked the result, and I think the links are working. These are not the only weblogs I read, but the ones I keep up with the most consistently. I use Bloglines to notify me when a weblog I subscribe to is updated -- HUGE TIMESAVER! And I'm sure I'll be adding more links soon. But I'm babysteppin' my way and that seems to be working just fine.

Now onto my brain problems. Do you ever feel like your past just controls you? Right now I sure do. I did not have a great childhood. I DID (and still do) have parents who love me, and for that I'm truly grateful. But growing up with mental illness in the family is tough. My dad was the one who held everything together. So he not only worked, he also (as my mom got sicker and sicker) did the shopping, cooked the meals, cleaned the house -- if there was something that needed to be done, he did it. And once a month he went and played poker with his professor friends from the university. Other than that he was selfless to the core.

So that's my model of "good" parenting. Problem is that I have just enough emotional healthiness inside that I resent the prison that I create by the mimicking of what I grew up with. So today for a few hours I was deep in that, "I'm invisible, I just do what helps other people" kind of mindset. Now don't get me wrong -- I know that being a parent involves sacrifice -- but it doesn't involve sacrificial living to the degree that I can take it. And that's why summers have been so hard in the past, because I will stay home and do whatever my kids want (which is usually hours and hours of playing in the pool with their friends) in a way that's out of balance for them, for Tim (who gets a resentful, discouraged wife when he gets home), and for me.

Why am I writing this? Because once again I'm committed to finding a way past this behavior. The victory is that today I only stayed in the victim-ey place for a few hours. And I'm hoping that by writing about it, I'll create an awareness internally that will cause me to make a better choice next time.

Life is good!


Anonymous said...

Yes, your past does weigh on how you do things alot. Being a Mom is a tough job. Personally, I give my all to my girls, but they also understand that I need ME time too. They like to give it to me too 'cause then Mom is a MUCH nicer person. There has to be a balance and we are constantly working on it as Moms.

Tracy said...

Leslie, If you put blame on your past, you also MUST give credit to your past. For it has sculpted you into the person you are, good with bad.

I chose to not blame because I take credit for who I've become. I chose to credit my own strength, cause I like myself and I love my life!


Eileen said...

It's the Summer Adjustment Period. You're used to them being at school a good part of the day for most of the week and during that time, you have more control over what you do and when.

With them home, that all changes. Suddenly there is more activity in the kitchen, more dishes, less of a structured routine around which you can build YOUR plans...and you feel a bit lost in there.

Colette said...

Leslie, I can feel your feelings with what you've written. Wow.
Okay, maybe this will help. I let the kids do whatever for the first week only. After that, it's setting a later bedtime (like whatever bedtime was on weekends), waking them up at a certain time, and giving them chores to do BEFORE they can play. Also, it is okay to have them do what YOU want to do...teaches them to be fair. Some days can be lazy days (it is summer vacation after all). It is so not all about what the kids want or don't want all the time. If you're not happy and doing things for YOU, then in the long run, the whole family is going to suffer.
You are a WONDERFUL mother, wife, friend, person. Never doubt yourself or beat yourself up. Believe me, I know how the past can come back to you when you least expect it and sure as hell don't want it. We are stronger than our pasts!! {{BIG hug}}

Brit-Man said...

Leslie, you don't need to worry about the past. You have a wonderful future ahead.

You have a heart big enough to give yourself love too, and you are SPECIAL, so don't feel anything less than that. You really don't have to, ever.

:-) :-)


Lori said...

I's SO HARD not to reflect back on the past. It has made you who you are now. But you do have control over your life whether you feel it or not. Take control, you know what's best.

Laurie said...

Balance is so hard to achieve, and the guilt that comes with trying to be a good mom, while still giving yourself what you need is so tough. Then there's your poor spouse that in there too. I have a parent, I swore I'd be nothing like and the other I try hard to emulate. I think all you can do is learn from what you know what keep going forward.