I edited the html code and checked the result, and I think the links are working. These are not the only weblogs I read, but the ones I keep up with the most consistently. I use Bloglines to notify me when a weblog I subscribe to is updated -- HUGE TIMESAVER! And I'm sure I'll be adding more links soon. But I'm babysteppin' my way and that seems to be working just fine.
Now onto my brain problems. Do you ever feel like your past just controls you? Right now I sure do. I did not have a great childhood. I DID (and still do) have parents who love me, and for that I'm truly grateful. But growing up with mental illness in the family is tough. My dad was the one who held everything together. So he not only worked, he also (as my mom got sicker and sicker) did the shopping, cooked the meals, cleaned the house -- if there was something that needed to be done, he did it. And once a month he went and played poker with his professor friends from the university. Other than that he was selfless to the core.
So that's my model of "good" parenting. Problem is that I have just enough emotional healthiness inside that I resent the prison that I create by the mimicking of what I grew up with. So today for a few hours I was deep in that, "I'm invisible, I just do what helps other people" kind of mindset. Now don't get me wrong -- I know that being a parent involves sacrifice -- but it doesn't involve sacrificial living to the degree that I can take it. And that's why summers have been so hard in the past, because I will stay home and do whatever my kids want (which is usually hours and hours of playing in the pool with their friends) in a way that's out of balance for them, for Tim (who gets a resentful, discouraged wife when he gets home), and for me.
Why am I writing this? Because once again I'm committed to finding a way past this behavior. The victory is that today I only stayed in the victim-ey place for a few hours. And I'm hoping that by writing about it, I'll create an awareness internally that will cause me to make a better choice next time.
Life is good!