Warning -- this may be long, cuz I feel like I got a lotta words to get out. And I'm not sure if it's going to be all that cohesive. Or even worth typing. Ok, end of disclaimer -- read on at your own risk...
I have been feeling hopeful, and while I like it, it kinda scares me, because I'm not used to it. When Tim and I visited the Storybook Cottage house on Sunday, the real estate agent asked if I was a designer. I've been asked that before (at furniture stores, mainly) and it thrills me to be asked, cuz I think it would be SO COOL to be an actual designer. (I also think it would be SO COOL to be a chef or a personal trainer or a life coach or a professional organizer ... I have many interests!) Anyway, I said no, then Tim commented "No, she's a student of life." I've been thinking about that for the past few days. What if that's what I am? Someone who gets interested in things and learns about them JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN!
In the past, my practicality (costs money, takes time) would have dismissed the idea of learning about stuff just to learn. But what if I don't have to find a job? What if I don't have to have it all figured out before I take a class? WHAT IF I JUST LEARN ABOUT SOMETHING BECAUSE IT PIQUES MY CURIOSITY? Could I? Should I? (I'm about to break into Dr. Suess-speak here, so I'd better change direction...)
Here are the subjects that interest me: Fitness. Cooking. Organization. Balance. You can tell they interest me because I have a smallish library on each of these topics. (If you want to check a book out, I'm sure we can arrange something!)
Yesterday I did a one-hour information call with the Coaches Training Institute. There were 18 other people on the call, and we had a chance to listen to a short coaching session, then make observations and ask questions about the coaching process. In the call, the coach talked about your inner gremlin or saboteur -- the voice that champions the status quo in an attempt to keep you from risking and from having what you want. So the coach was asking the volunteer (who was being coached) "What are the lies you believe?" Here are my lies:
I have to be just like my parents.
I destroyed my mind with drugs and alcohol, and that's why I can't work or learn.
Anti-depressants make me stupid, and that's why I can't work or learn.
Because I'm a wife and mom, I can't have what I want.
I'm ready to challenge these lies cuz they are so NOT WORKING!
I also have a strong memory of my parents telling me, repeatedly, to slow down, to not get overwhelmed, to not do so much. I heard this a lot when I was a teenager. And you know what? As parents do, I think they were projecting their own issues onto my life, so while I had the energy and passion and everything else to do all I was doing, they were the ones who couldn't have handled it, thus the messages about slowing down.
I don't know what to say to wrap this up neatly. All I know is that I'm willing to risk and to do what it takes to have a life of aliveness and purpose and passion. I'm ready to play a bigger game!