Monday, February 26, 2007

Depression

So I'm trying something new, and that new thing is writing when I feel like I'm slidin' down the toilet bowl. Doesn't matter what causes it -- too little sleep? too much sugar? -- what matters is what I do when I'm there. I notice that my thoughts are extremely negative and very victim-ey, a la "my life is so hard" "nobody listens to me" etc. And my behavior changes to reinforce those thoughts e.g. taking out garbage in the pouring rain, thinking, "there are 3 guys in this house and yet here I am with the garbage." Did I ask for help? NO! Did I get to feel that my victim thinking was right? Oh yeah!

So normally when I feel like this I tell nobody, isolate, and grit my teeth as I make it through. This time, I'm staying aware of my thoughts, writing about it, and seeing if this makes a difference. It's 8:40 now, and I'm going to do a 30 minute kettlebell workout, prepare for my 9:30 client, and keep knowing this truth: Change your thoughts, and you can change the world!

9 comments:

Eileen said...

Wow...parallel again. I have been fighting a funk too and I know it has a lot to do with bad food, not enough sleep and little quiet time. Downright grumpy is how I would describe it...even though I *know* it's all a matter of thought, sometimes it does seem harder than others. I like how you ended this post...with resolve to turn it around.

Brit-Man said...

You should be very proud of yourself Leslie, for expressing how you feel.

It takes a lot of courage and heart to do that, and it's clearly not an easy thing ot comment about, but I wish you a lot of luck, and I hope you get through this, and can be stronger for it.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

:-) :-)

Matt

Jen said...

Oh boy - that bit about taking out the garbage in the rain - that's ME! To a tee! So much so, that my mom made it a point to tell me a couple of weeks ago that I need to stop taking the world on my shoulders and start asking for help. I get into a pattern just like you, a funk of sorts, and I start doing stuff and then feel like the victim (as you said). And this just compounds the issue.

Thanks for giving me an A-HA moment.

Meghan said...

I hate it when I get that martyr complex. The only way to shake it is what you already stated, to ask for help from others and to change your way of thinking because your actions come from your thoughts. Another thing I do is to think about all the ways that the ppl around me help me out so that I can remember that I'm not actually doing it all myself. I know you'll shake it off soon! And you're right, talking about it helps a lot!

Laurie said...

Ha, Meghan said it I think of it as my Martyr frame of mind and I have it hard-core right now. My hubby was really sick all weekend, so no break for me, he managed to get my daughter sick last night, but of course he's well enough to go to work. I'm struggling with the poor me attitude, but also realize it's poor him so I really don't feel like I can ask for help. I'd love her what you come up with.

Irene said...

Good for you taking an active stance on your depression. Writing everything down will help. I think the fact that you are extremely aware is wonderful.

HUGS!

Colette said...

Writing your feelings down will definately help, but just asking for help from the guys would be better. They're guys...they don't think about what needs to be done now. Just say, "hey, can one of you take out the trash for me, please?" or whatever else you would like some help with. I do think this has to do with your lack of sleep though. We all get in our yuck moods and it's nice to know we have friends to talk about it with ;) You are a wonderful person and all of us are lucky to have you in our lives!!! This feeling will pass ;)

Anonymous said...

WE LOVE YOU!!! and you're changing my world with me - Stacy

Evelyne said...

I so understand where you are coming from. I've noticed that lately as soon as I get into that frame of mind, I try and think of something good, something that makes me smile, something that I'm really greatful for. We women, and Moms, think that we have to do everything. We don't. We need to learn to ask for help and to also demand help. We deserve it. You will come through this and feel better really soon, I just know it!