Brain dump

1. We got new carpet today. I'm really happy with our choice and super excited for there to be no pee stains in our dining room or mystery stains (probably pee stains) in other parts of the house.
2. A brand new year starts soon. This is a very good thing, I think.
3. My friend's son (and Austin's gymnastics teammate) fractured his knee yesterday in practice. Last year in early February, Austin blew out his ankle in practice. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think of what Austin went through last year, and what Justin is facing this year.

The AEIOU (and sometimes Y) of something

I was taking my awful dog on his third walk yesterday, listening once again to Brene Brown. This is what I heard (heavily paraphrased, as I can't seem to find this online for verification, and my book is in the bedroom with my sleeping boyfriend, and my phone is in another room with my lovely dog): (yes my feelings about Buster change that much all the time)

A = have I been ABSTINENT today?
E = have I EXERCISED today?
I = have I done something for myself today?
O = have I done something for OTHERS today?
U = do I have UNEXPRESSED emotions I need to deal with?
Y = YAY for something I'm grateful for (poor sentence construction I'm not grateful for!)

 Isn't this a good daily checklist for a more whole-hearted experience of life?!?!

P.S. So now it's a few hours later, and I have the book in hand. This list is at the end of the chapter titled "Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: letting go of numbing and powerlessness." (Great title!) And this list is referred to as the vowel check. So now we all know. :)

Practicing shame resilience

I walked my dog while listening to "The Gifts of Imperfection" this morning, and the part I'm on is titled "cultivating self-compassion." Good stuff. After dog walking I went to Target to get:

1. Things Tucker needs for his Beauty and the Beast costume
2. Something for our family for Christmas (shhhh!)
3. Snacks and community service project stuff for Girls on the Run today

I got a phone call in the store, and decided to answer, although I didn't recognize the number.

The call was from the nurse who is going to evaluate my mom for PERS long-term care coverage. We had scheduled an appointment for this Thursday, and I needed to change the date and time. But since I couldn't find his number (although I thought I'd put it down somewhere), I had to call PERS directly yesterday to have them ask him to call me.

He started by identifying himself, and then said, "Yeah, PERS wants to know why I'm not in touch with my clients directly. They were surprised that you had to call them to get in touch with me, and must be thinking "what's going on with the nurses in California?"" I told him I'd misplaced his number, and then asked if we could change the date for the evaluation. He wanted to keep it on the same day, and I told him I needed to do the next week if possible. He said, "They really want to get this evaluation done soon, so I don't know that pushing it to next week is such a great idea."

So while we're having this conversation, my mood is plummeting, because all I can hear in my mind is, "You always screw things up. You ALWAYS screw things up!" And when he said rescheduling wasn't a good idea, I countered with "I think I'll just withdraw the claim if it's causing so many problems for everyone." (This was said seriously and with a ton of discouragement, not sarcastically. I don't get mad; I get sad.)

Then he backpedaled, becoming more open to options. I explained that my best times are morning and early afternoon, but my mom doesn't get up till noon or 1:00. I didn't add that I have clients 2 days a week (in the afternoons), Girls on the Run 2 days a week (also afternoons), and that WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS EVALUATION, SO WHILE I GET THAT I HAVE TO DO IT, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO! So finding a time that I can get to Sacramento and have her evaluated is difficult logistically.

We agreed to next Thursday at 11:00. And said goodbye. That's when the shame started washing over me. I was in the middle of Target with nothing in my basket (but still with the list of what needed getting) and just wanting to cry. Leaving without shopping wasn't an option, so I started pushing the cart. I felt awful for putting Bill the nurse in a bad situation. And I know that my husband would never have lost the phone number. Now the very familiar refrain of "I try so hard, and it's still never good enough" started up. But then I started thinking about the "practicing self-compassion" stuff I'd heard this morning. I also thought about just doing "what's inside my hula hoop." And I considered asking the question, "What's the truth here?' Here's what I came up with:

1. It is perfectly reasonable to change an appointment.
2. Sometimes people misplace phone numbers.
3. Bill's job or how he's perceived is not my responsibility.

That is my experience with practicing shame resilience today.

Whole hearted

I've found a new love, and her name is Brene Brown. The author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" is an amazing writer and amazing person. So I kind of have an intellectual crush on her. This week I'm starting her year long e-course titled "Lessons in Ordinary Courage." Someday I'll see her speak, of this I'm sure.

So what's new? And what's the same?

(I was going to make a list, but there's really only one new thing, which doesn't make for a real list.)

I have a yoga practice. After years of being intrigued with yoga, I now have an actual practice, which means I actually DO yoga several times a week. I love having a yoga practice for several reasons. It grounds me and this means real life stuff that used to leave me stressed and crazed (for example, cooking Thanksgiving dinner) is easier to do. In fact, my mother-in-law complimented me on how calm I was while everyone was needing everything in the last half hour before dinner. I'm more flexible (duh) now that I'm practicing 4 to 5 times a week. And I'm more aware of the body-mind connection now. (Don't really know how to explain that, but it's true, and I want to keep writing while the words are flowing.)

Lots is the same, and in some ways that's fantastic. Same wonderful husband. Same fascinating, infuriating, love 'em with my whole heart kids. I still run, but don't really add up the miles. I'm active most days, but rather than keeping the info on Facebook, I keep it on iCal on my computer (and may start logging it in the sidebar here).

So back to living a whole-hearted life, that's what I'm aiming for. And it takes courage and doing things differently. So yesterday when I talked to my dad and my emotions were all over the place, I told Tim I needed to stay home and exercise, rather than go with him to pick up a purchase. Plus I actually told him about the conversation with my dad that left me feeling frightened and stressed.

That's it for now. Tim and I take a yoga class on Sunday mornings at 9:30 and it's time to get ready. Often the teacher asks us to set an intention for our practice. Mine, as usual, will be to live from my whole heart.

Quickest update ever

• Toe is doing much better. Tomorrow I'm run/walking The Giant Race in San Francisco. Tim and I were doing the 10K, but are changing to the 5K (cuz of my toe) which is probably a better move.
• Been eating more real food and less candy and processed stuff. Feeling good about diet changes. Now that I'm an official grown up (at 50!) I think I need to start eating a little more grown up, right? Right!
• School starting, one kid a Senior, other kid auditioning for two theater productions, life -- I've not made time to write. And what I'm writing now sounds like drivel, but hey -- it's my drivel.
• Google "Holstee Manifesto" if you want to see something really great. I bought the poster and use the thoughts when I meditate.
• Speaking of meditation, most days I do 5 minutes. That's way more than zero minutes. :)
• We'll be at the SF Giants game tonight in the special sold-out runners section. Go Giants!!!

Hope

I didn't like seeing "fuck" at the top of the blog. The great news is that feelings and behaviors can change in an instant, and often, when behavior changes, feelings follow along.

Time to stop wallowing and start accepting. And no more junk food. Later I'll post Krista at Stumptuous's writing on giving up sugar. It's genius! But I need to be at a 4:30 appt. Au revior for now!

Fuck

I don't like this. Having a broken toe sucks. Why? Because I'm a giant baby who has trouble accepting life on life's terms. I'm still working out. But eating? Yeah, eating anything I want (and I rarely want healthful stuff).  And although I know this doesn't do good things for me, emotionally or physically, right now I'm very unwilling to change it.

This is my 1,000th post. Wish it were a little more profound. Poop.

Broka-da-toe

Dr and x-ray confirmed: broken. Bummer. I was gonna up my running mileage to drop a few pounds before we head to the beach. Guess I'll have to eat sensibly now. :(

Seriously, as much as I hate physical limitations of any kind, I know what I need to do to get a workout even with a broken toe. So here's what I just did:

25 minutes continuous
30 sec work, 10 sec switch exercise
pushups
TRX pullups
Ugi woodchoppers
30 lb kettlebell swings

My own a$$ is toast. And my toe is just fine. :)

Boo-boo toe

I've had some strange accidents in my life. I gave myself whiplash in 1990 while dancing to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake." In 2002, I had Tucker and his friends in my car, and managed to rear end Tim's car (just Tim and Austin were in that car). Yeah, one accident. All of our cars and all our family members involved. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that I broke my toe while doing laundry. But I did. And I'm not happy about it.

Well, the only part I'm happy about is that it makes me feel tough, because after I did it, I ran 5 miles. To be clear, I did not know that the toe was broken. I heard a crack when my toe connected with the bedframe as I turned to put some clothes on the dresser. And while it hurt, it didn't hurt like I thought it should have hurt if it were broken.

So yes, I, the girl who lives in the house of testosterone and amazing physical accomplishments, ran 5 miles with a broken toe. That feels satisfying somehow. But my toe still hurts. :(

Mirror exercise

It's Sunday, August 7th, and it's day 3 of my streak. Darn it -- missing a day just messes everything up!

The mirror exercise

My friend Donna does energy work. She works with people who have pain or sickness, physical or emotional, and helps to balance their energy so they can heal. You don't have to believe in what she does for it to work, which is great for me, as I've experienced lots of relief from depression because of her work. And yet I don't exactly understand how it works. But I don't have to.

One suggestion she made a long time ago was to do "the mirror exercise." Ok, I'm game. You look in a mirror and say, out loud, "(your name), I love and accept you just as you are, and (your name), God loves and accepts you just as you are." You say this three times while looking into your left eye, three times while looking into your right eye, and three times while looking into both eyes.

Simple, right?

I've made attempts to do this daily, the goal being 30 days in a row. My longest streak is 3 days.

Giving it a go once again, and today is day 3. Stay tuned to find out if, in a feat of superhuman endurance (the exercise takes all of 60 - 80 seconds, for goodness sakes!), Leslie can make it to FOUR DAYS in a row!

Hmmmmm

It's 5:25 and I've been up for an hour. I miss my blog. So I decided to write.
One thing I love about this blog is the history it represents. Nearly 1000 posts. Wow! I also love that it's not as public as Facebook. It seems self-serving to write in a blog to begin with (but therapeutic and fun as well, which is why I do it from time to time). But to announce that same information on Facebook doesn't work somehow.

So today. It's day 2 of a luxuriously slow week at the end of a summer that's been moving way too fast. Yesterday I did some amazing things like MADE SOUP FROM SCRATCH AND ENJOYED IT and CLEANED OUT PART OF THE FRIDGE. Oh and CALLED THE DENTIST AND SCHEDULED HAVING MY TOOTH FIXED. Yeah, I'm fun like that!

Part of my coping strategy for this summer has been a fair amount of emotional eating. I don't feel bad about this. It's a strategy that's worked. Now I want to go back to a healthier diet, so for this week I'm cutting out nothing (hooray!) but adding in health-supporting dishes. So daily it's 2 scrambled eggs at breakfast and a salad at lunch.

What's interesting about adding these choices in (and how difficult it is to do so) is that I love scrambled eggs and I love salad. Why the resistance? Because I've felt so behind in life -- like I can never quite catch up -- that I can't take the time to make either, nor can I take the time to clean up after myself. Self-worth may be a component of this. Yeah, I think I invented "let's make you a yummy lunch, but I'll make do with this protein bar." That's not something to feel proud of. (Incidentally I'm a decent enough writer to suspect the final "of" in that sentence is wrong, but not committed enough to find out for sure (where would I look?) or deal with it -- sigh.)

Perhaps a structure to what I write would work. A certain topic for Mondays, and for Tuesdays, and so on.

I like the sidebar lists I can create here. Entering fitness notes or what I made for dinner is a quiet way to be accountable. (Going to update some lists now.)

Brain dump

• Kind of obsessed with Portaldo on YouTube. I think his real name is Ido Portal and he does Capeoria (sp?) and Floreio movement. The video I'm including here is amazing. I'm working on some of his beginning movements and even those are beyond my grasp -- well, at least so far they are. 

• Did a Bodyrock TV burpie workout a few weeks ago and strained something in my left ankle, In a "do as I say not as I do" way, I kept running. Now it's swollen and hurting. No bueno. But I did ice it today (that tells you that it's hurting REALLY badly!). :)
• Girls on the Run is a fantastic program.
• Been an emotionally difficult week. One good friend having big troubles. Another REALLY good friend having big troubles. Parents still on the downhill slide. But trying to see it all as being in divine order. When I can remember that God knows and cares, it's all a lot more manageable.
• Heading to my parents to take my mom to the eye doctor. Will she be showered? Will she leave the house? Stay tuned for answers to these and other fascinating questions!

Seven for Sunday

1. Figured out where I saw "Three for Thursday" -- it was on Family, Fitness, Food. 
2. I would weigh a lot less if I didn't have teens. Why? Because "go to bed early, get up early" is my preferred schedule. And that's the opposite of what works for my kids. And my method of staying awake until they get home is known as Always Be Chewing (aka continuous eating). Might be time to find a new way...
3. 7 things seems like a lot of things at the moment -- having a brain fade and don't really know what to write.
4. Cooking ups and downs. Before the gym meet yesterday I made turkey burgers and an Asian coleslaw to take with us. Burgers were great as usual (recipe uses honey mustard pretzels and is very flavorful). Coleslaw was great right when made, but did not fare well in the car sans refrigeration. Oh well, at least I tried, right?
5. We currently have no Girl Scout cookies in our house, which is a very good thing.
6. I can't seem to shake the idea that Diet Pepsi is a healthy option. While I know it's full of chemicals and awfulness, my love for DP is obsessive and unrelenting. However, I'm adding way more good stuff into my diet and as of late have been known to eat an apple JUST BECAUSE (this is big stuff, people!). (The only apples I really really like are Cameos. They're juicy, flavorful, and crisp.)
7. Buster is still the best puppy in the whole entire world! Here is a video of his playful puppiness. 

Three for Thursday

Saw a Three for Thursday post on another blog (but can't for the life of me remember which blog, or I'd give credit here!), and figured I'd follow suit. So, in no particular order, here's what's on my mind.

1. Buster (in a rare calm moment). He's a lot of fun, but the whole puppy teeth thing is tough. So is the "the world is my toilet" attitude. :) Actually, he's doing well on that front -- it's us, the humans, who need a little training I think.

2. Running. Ran 7 today and it was tough. 6 the other day was easy. It is what it is, right?

3. Dishwasher. It's been broken for more than a week now, and our 3rd service call is tomorrow. I actually like being at home until I'm told I have to be at home. Then I don't like it at all. I think therapists call that oppositional defiant disorder. Or maybe it's just preschooler behavior.

Anti-aging lotions and potions

I am the perfect candidate (read "sucker") to believe anything that's written about anti-aging. Most days I like what I see in the mirror, but when I'm tired or depressed, it looks to me like my face is barely hanging onto my skull and it could slip off at any moment. This makes me vulnerable to the hype that surrounds many products, including:

• reduces fine lines
• tightens skin
• evens skin tone
• makes you look 10 years younger

All I've ever wanted (well, not ALL, but for now it feels that way) is to know what works at the cosmetic counter. They sell hundreds of tightening, firming, lifting magic creams, and can they all work? I don't think so. So if I just knew which one, I would buy a truckload of it and use it forever. (Years ago Joan Rivers joked that she was just going to buy all the Twinkies and slather the white stuff in the middle all over her face, cuz those things never go bad!)

Last month I decided to try to high-end face cream stuff. And I have to say that I think it's working. I went with a Perricone set I found on Sephora.com, and then added some eye cream. I liked the skincare stuff immediately and think my skin looks more evenly toned and younger. The eye cream I had to figure out, as the first one I got (Cold Plasma) smelled like fish. The reviews were mixed: some people said the smell went away, and others said they couldn't get past it. I was in the latter group, and exchanged the miracle eye cream that smelled nasty for some not-quite-as-miraculous eye cream that smells nice.

The danger of going to the Perricone site is that I want EVERYTHING! And I have to remember that what I'm doing now is working, so maybe if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And (truth be told) this is the first time I've consistently washed my face both morning and night in my whole life. (I know -- take away my girl card now people!) Is that why my skin looks better? NO! I believe it's the miracle face cream!

Being 50...

...is so much easier than TURNING 50. Milestone birthdays have a way of bringing out questions like "am I where I thought I would be?" which are kind of no-win queries, as (in a very Buddhist way) I am where I am and that's right where I'm supposed to be. Period.

So my age is 50, and I have to be mindful not to use that as a weapon ("Of course you aren't running fast, cuz you're FIFTY!") or an excuse ("I don't have to push hard, because after all, I'm FIFTY!") Neither of those attitudes really work for me. What works is seeing movement as play and listening to my body.

I did cartwheels the other day. It was scary, cuz I didn't have a 20x20 open area to work in (don't ask me why I need that much room -- guess I didn't trust that I could stay on a straight line). But I did it and it was fun. I'm still convinced that when I'm upside down, I'm reverse aging.

Anyway, 50 is just a number, but if I ever want to feel really good about how I look, I'm just gonna tell people I'm 55 or 57. If you lie upwards about your age, people will always be (falsely) amazed, right? (No I wouldn't really do this, but it's fun to consider!)

Hopelessly in love

This is Buster.

He is curious, energetic, lovable, and brings a delightful energy to our home.

We have an area of the back yard fenced off where he can do his business, and in that area I have a decorative wood pig. I think it's his favorite dog toy.

We are hopelessly in love with our little boy!

Handstands

Still doing handstand practice. I think it may morph into cartwheel practice, cuz that sounds like more fun. :)

I love it all!

There are many people who specialize in certain types of training or equipment or methodology. I keep wondering what my specialty should be, but the truth is I LOVE IT ALL! Honestly I just love to move.

Temps have been low and it's been really rainy, so I haven't run. Yesterday I did 5 minutes of kettlebell swings. Not as much as I would have liked to do, but it was what was possible.

Today I did a Core Fusion DVD (barre-inspired workout) for 50 minutes. Then I did a 10 minute modified Bodyrock challenge. They wanted you to do 20 mountain climbers, then 20 v-ups, and alternate for 10 minutes. I added some kettlebell swings, so it looked like this:

20 36 pound kettlebell swings
20 mountain climbers
20 v-ups
20 mountain climbers
20 swings
20 mountain climbers, etc.

I've never loved mountain climbers as much as I did today!