(What I'm about to write makes it sound like my favorite activity is gazing at my own navel and thinking only of me. I SWEAR this does not consume my waking hours. But I had a big realization last night, and I need to write about it in hopes of helping it to stick!)
For my whole life I've felt like I was too sturdy. Regardless of my weight, I've been unhappy with the size of my "frame" for lack of a better term. Objectively, I'm 5 feet 5 inches tall and I have a medium build. But I've always wanted to be 5'3" tall and have what people would describe as a "fragile" build.
So while many of my body image issues have centered around reality (when I weighed 50 pounds more than I do now, yeah, I not only felt fat, I WAS fat), this whole "I want to change the size of my skeleton" thing has kind of made me crazy. It's led me to think of my ideal weight as in the mid-120's (10 or so pounds less than I weigh right now). And it's kept me chronically dissatisfied with my body, no matter what my size or what my weight.
So last night we had 3 Christmas parties to attend. And as Tim and I were getting ready, I started talking about this. Tim said, "You know, this is exactly like how I wish I were taller." And that was the big lightbulb moment for me. Tim is 5'10" tall and I think that's perfect. But he doesn't. His whole life he's been surrounded by guys who are 6' and over, and in an ideal world, my husband was be a critical 2 inches taller. That makes ZERO sense to me. It does not matter how tall he is. And bottom line? That's out of his control!!!
And what's something that's out of my control? The size of my freaking skeleton!!! So today, rather than feeling "too big" (begs the question "Too big for WHAT?") I'm just happy to be healthy and happy and strong. And those things are NOT negative. Yeah, I have a medium build. But that doesn't make me unfeminine or mannish or anything else negative.
Maybe it's time to let the Serenity Prayer apply here:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the size of my skeleton!!!),
The courage to change the things I can (what I eat, what I do),
And the wisdom to know the difference!