Thursday, July 06, 2006

Marriage ick

Tim and I have a distance between us right now that is mostly caused by my strange brain and a little by his (admittedly great) sense of humor. Here's what's happened, as best as I can unravel it.

On 4th of July, all of us went to breakfast. I ordered some low-fat fitness thing and didn't touch any of the pancakes or other indugences that were on the table. So by 1:00 I was hungry. I was microwaving my burrito, commenting "I HATE when I'm hungry and I don't want to be!" Tim's comment? "You big girls, you need your food!" I played being mad but laughed at it all the same.

Well, fast-forward two days, and I'm feeling sad and bad, and Tim's feeling like he's lost his wife. At the center of the problem? I believe that every funny comment has a bit of truth in it. So his offhand remark sets off my "no matter what I do, it's never enough" mechanism (which has a way too sensitive ON button, admittedly), and there we are.

You want to know what's crazy about this? Well, first of all, I know that he didn't mean anything by what he said. Tim is a FANTASTIC man and does not do things to hurt people on purpose. Also, I recognize the humor in his remark -- it IS funny! I also know that I'm obsessing about this, like a scratch in a record where it skips and plays the same part over and over. I also know that at this moment in time, I'm feeling bloated and emotional and am very likely to take things the wrong way. But I can't let go of it!

I went to the gym this morning, and wished I'd worn sweats to cover up my bigness. I'm not saying that to hear "oh no, you're not big!" at all. I think another problem with this is as a formerly fat person, I have trouble knowing how much space I take up in the world. It's like my eyes are broken. So I really did wish I'd covered everything up. Good news is that I stayed and worked out.

I don't want Tim to apologize or do anything different. I'm not mad -- I'm just sad and feeling lost and wish I could feel better.


Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie!
Eileen directed me to your blog because I mentioned that I'm seriously considering doing Team in Training this year on my blog.
I've never done any sort of long distance running before so this is a new thing for me.
Anyhow, just thought I'd say "hi" and maybe we can keep in touch!

Tim said...

Ok, so now I'm outed. It was a mistake, a bad joke and as in every comment, context is important. It was meant as "big girl" like you would say to a two year old, not a fat chick, which is the opposite of my wife. All I can say is that after 17 years I still crave her emotionally and physically, and I am still learning how to be a better husband. There will be no further comments approaching this topic coming from me. I have learned my lesson and I do miss my wife and like any good marrage (cause that's what we have, a good marrage)you work through these things.

oldLobo said...

Low calorie diets and marathon training aren't compatible. Watch out. This is one of the reasons I got pneumonia last year.

If you are going around hungry, something isn't right. Check out the link in my back from San Diego post for a primer on running and eating.

None said...

Oh boy. Kinda sounds like my last week on vacation.

Shelly Egan said...

It always seems irrational, but in the moment, it feels very real....

All I know is... it always passes.

I JUST HAD a similar episode with my better half. After reading your blog - I forgot what it was. Then he called, then - I remembered! : )

You have a wonderful husband, everyone should be as lucky as us!