Tim and I have a distance between us right now that is mostly caused by my strange brain and a little by his (admittedly great) sense of humor. Here's what's happened, as best as I can unravel it.
On 4th of July, all of us went to breakfast. I ordered some low-fat fitness thing and didn't touch any of the pancakes or other indugences that were on the table. So by 1:00 I was hungry. I was microwaving my burrito, commenting "I HATE when I'm hungry and I don't want to be!" Tim's comment? "You big girls, you need your food!" I played being mad but laughed at it all the same.
Well, fast-forward two days, and I'm feeling sad and bad, and Tim's feeling like he's lost his wife. At the center of the problem? I believe that every funny comment has a bit of truth in it. So his offhand remark sets off my "no matter what I do, it's never enough" mechanism (which has a way too sensitive ON button, admittedly), and there we are.
You want to know what's crazy about this? Well, first of all, I know that he didn't mean anything by what he said. Tim is a FANTASTIC man and does not do things to hurt people on purpose. Also, I recognize the humor in his remark -- it IS funny! I also know that I'm obsessing about this, like a scratch in a record where it skips and plays the same part over and over. I also know that at this moment in time, I'm feeling bloated and emotional and am very likely to take things the wrong way. But I can't let go of it!
I went to the gym this morning, and wished I'd worn sweats to cover up my bigness. I'm not saying that to hear "oh no, you're not big!" at all. I think another problem with this is as a formerly fat person, I have trouble knowing how much space I take up in the world. It's like my eyes are broken. So I really did wish I'd covered everything up. Good news is that I stayed and worked out.
I don't want Tim to apologize or do anything different. I'm not mad -- I'm just sad and feeling lost and wish I could feel better.