Social Media?

Social media is tremendously strange and there are serious problems with the idea of creating an online persona. And yet I love, love, love Facebook. Here are some thoughts:

Tim and I had a four-day adventure where we drove up Highway 101 along the coast, continued into Oregon, across Southern Oregon, and then back down Highway 5 home. I Facebooked the whole trip, posting pictures and checking in at restaurants and happily sharing our experience. To see Facebook, we had an idyllic getaway. And believe me, we did have fun. Here’s what I didn’t post that we dealt with while we were gone:

• Plumbing issues at my parents house
• Plumbing issues at our house
• Credit card fraud (someone was using our card in New Jersey?)
• Caregiver issues (big ones)
• Caregiver issues (smaller ones)
• Car troubles (a relative)

No, we didn’t have to come home. But dealing with this kind of stuff is never easy. I have a new coping method for intense fear and anxiety — burpees. There were two times on the trip where I got out of the car (because you can’t do burpees in a Prius) and did burpees because I needed to try to stop the internal downward spiral. It helped.

I read an article about how young people are experiencing a lot of depression as they compare their lives to the lives of people they see on social media. This makes me think of the idea that you can’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides, because it’s not a fair comparison. Certainly there will always be people who need to make themselves look better than the rest. But from my heart, I post positive things because that’s where I want to focus my attention. And I posted details of the trip because I have a lot of Northern CA friends, and I want them to do what we did, because it was so much fun. I want my kids to make the same trip (but perhaps they’ll camp instead of staying at hotels) so they can see the giant redwoods and experience the wind at the lighthouse and then we can remember together what we’ve done. I’m told that what other people think of me is none of my business. And most of the time I can remember that.

(abrupt subject change)

My dad fell yesterday afternoon. (He’s at home and on the mend with some minor and semi-minor injuries.) We were with him in the emergency room last night. Friday night in the ER is quite the people watching experience. So is Friday night at the all-night pharmacy, where we got his pain meds filled. I didn’t check in on Facebook as this was happening.

Tomorrow we get to celebrate a longtime friend’s 50th birthday by white-water rafting down the middle fork of the American River. I might check in and post pictures. But the picture on Facebook is never the complete picture.

Here’s a quote I love:

Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.

So much better

Depression recovery seems to be working. I am beyond relieved. It's a little scary to feel good. Really, I'm thinking "is this what people feel like? Wow!" Years ago when I first started on medication, I told friends that it felt like I could do exactly the same stuff everyone else did, but I had to stand in a hole and jump if I wanted to be on level ground. Jumping all the time is tiring. And anti-depressants help to level the playing field for me.

A part of me thinks "honestly, you know better than this." Bigger part of me says, "shut up -- she's doing the very best she can."

Brain dump

1. We got new carpet today. I'm really happy with our choice and super excited for there to be no pee stains in our dining room or mystery stains (probably pee stains) in other parts of the house.
2. A brand new year starts soon. This is a very good thing, I think.
3. My friend's son (and Austin's gymnastics teammate) fractured his knee yesterday in practice. Last year in early February, Austin blew out his ankle in practice. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think of what Austin went through last year, and what Justin is facing this year.

The AEIOU (and sometimes Y) of something

I was taking my awful dog on his third walk yesterday, listening once again to Brene Brown. This is what I heard (heavily paraphrased, as I can't seem to find this online for verification, and my book is in the bedroom with my sleeping boyfriend, and my phone is in another room with my lovely dog): (yes my feelings about Buster change that much all the time)

A = have I been ABSTINENT today?
E = have I EXERCISED today?
I = have I done something for myself today?
O = have I done something for OTHERS today?
U = do I have UNEXPRESSED emotions I need to deal with?
Y = YAY for something I'm grateful for (poor sentence construction I'm not grateful for!)

 Isn't this a good daily checklist for a more whole-hearted experience of life?!?!

P.S. So now it's a few hours later, and I have the book in hand. This list is at the end of the chapter titled "Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: letting go of numbing and powerlessness." (Great title!) And this list is referred to as the vowel check. So now we all know. :)

Practicing shame resilience

I walked my dog while listening to "The Gifts of Imperfection" this morning, and the part I'm on is titled "cultivating self-compassion." Good stuff. After dog walking I went to Target to get:

1. Things Tucker needs for his Beauty and the Beast costume
2. Something for our family for Christmas (shhhh!)
3. Snacks and community service project stuff for Girls on the Run today

I got a phone call in the store, and decided to answer, although I didn't recognize the number.

The call was from the nurse who is going to evaluate my mom for PERS long-term care coverage. We had scheduled an appointment for this Thursday, and I needed to change the date and time. But since I couldn't find his number (although I thought I'd put it down somewhere), I had to call PERS directly yesterday to have them ask him to call me.

He started by identifying himself, and then said, "Yeah, PERS wants to know why I'm not in touch with my clients directly. They were surprised that you had to call them to get in touch with me, and must be thinking "what's going on with the nurses in California?"" I told him I'd misplaced his number, and then asked if we could change the date for the evaluation. He wanted to keep it on the same day, and I told him I needed to do the next week if possible. He said, "They really want to get this evaluation done soon, so I don't know that pushing it to next week is such a great idea."

So while we're having this conversation, my mood is plummeting, because all I can hear in my mind is, "You always screw things up. You ALWAYS screw things up!" And when he said rescheduling wasn't a good idea, I countered with "I think I'll just withdraw the claim if it's causing so many problems for everyone." (This was said seriously and with a ton of discouragement, not sarcastically. I don't get mad; I get sad.)

Then he backpedaled, becoming more open to options. I explained that my best times are morning and early afternoon, but my mom doesn't get up till noon or 1:00. I didn't add that I have clients 2 days a week (in the afternoons), Girls on the Run 2 days a week (also afternoons), and that WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS EVALUATION, SO WHILE I GET THAT I HAVE TO DO IT, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO! So finding a time that I can get to Sacramento and have her evaluated is difficult logistically.

We agreed to next Thursday at 11:00. And said goodbye. That's when the shame started washing over me. I was in the middle of Target with nothing in my basket (but still with the list of what needed getting) and just wanting to cry. Leaving without shopping wasn't an option, so I started pushing the cart. I felt awful for putting Bill the nurse in a bad situation. And I know that my husband would never have lost the phone number. Now the very familiar refrain of "I try so hard, and it's still never good enough" started up. But then I started thinking about the "practicing self-compassion" stuff I'd heard this morning. I also thought about just doing "what's inside my hula hoop." And I considered asking the question, "What's the truth here?' Here's what I came up with:

1. It is perfectly reasonable to change an appointment.
2. Sometimes people misplace phone numbers.
3. Bill's job or how he's perceived is not my responsibility.

That is my experience with practicing shame resilience today.

Whole hearted

I've found a new love, and her name is Brene Brown. The author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" is an amazing writer and amazing person. So I kind of have an intellectual crush on her. This week I'm starting her year long e-course titled "Lessons in Ordinary Courage." Someday I'll see her speak, of this I'm sure.

So what's new? And what's the same?

(I was going to make a list, but there's really only one new thing, which doesn't make for a real list.)

I have a yoga practice. After years of being intrigued with yoga, I now have an actual practice, which means I actually DO yoga several times a week. I love having a yoga practice for several reasons. It grounds me and this means real life stuff that used to leave me stressed and crazed (for example, cooking Thanksgiving dinner) is easier to do. In fact, my mother-in-law complimented me on how calm I was while everyone was needing everything in the last half hour before dinner. I'm more flexible (duh) now that I'm practicing 4 to 5 times a week. And I'm more aware of the body-mind connection now. (Don't really know how to explain that, but it's true, and I want to keep writing while the words are flowing.)

Lots is the same, and in some ways that's fantastic. Same wonderful husband. Same fascinating, infuriating, love 'em with my whole heart kids. I still run, but don't really add up the miles. I'm active most days, but rather than keeping the info on Facebook, I keep it on iCal on my computer (and may start logging it in the sidebar here).

So back to living a whole-hearted life, that's what I'm aiming for. And it takes courage and doing things differently. So yesterday when I talked to my dad and my emotions were all over the place, I told Tim I needed to stay home and exercise, rather than go with him to pick up a purchase. Plus I actually told him about the conversation with my dad that left me feeling frightened and stressed.

That's it for now. Tim and I take a yoga class on Sunday mornings at 9:30 and it's time to get ready. Often the teacher asks us to set an intention for our practice. Mine, as usual, will be to live from my whole heart.

Quickest update ever

• Toe is doing much better. Tomorrow I'm run/walking The Giant Race in San Francisco. Tim and I were doing the 10K, but are changing to the 5K (cuz of my toe) which is probably a better move.
• Been eating more real food and less candy and processed stuff. Feeling good about diet changes. Now that I'm an official grown up (at 50!) I think I need to start eating a little more grown up, right? Right!
• School starting, one kid a Senior, other kid auditioning for two theater productions, life -- I've not made time to write. And what I'm writing now sounds like drivel, but hey -- it's my drivel.
• Google "Holstee Manifesto" if you want to see something really great. I bought the poster and use the thoughts when I meditate.
• Speaking of meditation, most days I do 5 minutes. That's way more than zero minutes. :)
• We'll be at the SF Giants game tonight in the special sold-out runners section. Go Giants!!!

Hope

I didn't like seeing "fuck" at the top of the blog. The great news is that feelings and behaviors can change in an instant, and often, when behavior changes, feelings follow along.

Time to stop wallowing and start accepting. And no more junk food. Later I'll post Krista at Stumptuous's writing on giving up sugar. It's genius! But I need to be at a 4:30 appt. Au revior for now!

Fuck

I don't like this. Having a broken toe sucks. Why? Because I'm a giant baby who has trouble accepting life on life's terms. I'm still working out. But eating? Yeah, eating anything I want (and I rarely want healthful stuff).  And although I know this doesn't do good things for me, emotionally or physically, right now I'm very unwilling to change it.

This is my 1,000th post. Wish it were a little more profound. Poop.

Broka-da-toe

Dr and x-ray confirmed: broken. Bummer. I was gonna up my running mileage to drop a few pounds before we head to the beach. Guess I'll have to eat sensibly now. :(

Seriously, as much as I hate physical limitations of any kind, I know what I need to do to get a workout even with a broken toe. So here's what I just did:

25 minutes continuous
30 sec work, 10 sec switch exercise
pushups
TRX pullups
Ugi woodchoppers
30 lb kettlebell swings

My own a$$ is toast. And my toe is just fine. :)

Boo-boo toe

I've had some strange accidents in my life. I gave myself whiplash in 1990 while dancing to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake." In 2002, I had Tucker and his friends in my car, and managed to rear end Tim's car (just Tim and Austin were in that car). Yeah, one accident. All of our cars and all our family members involved. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that I broke my toe while doing laundry. But I did. And I'm not happy about it.

Well, the only part I'm happy about is that it makes me feel tough, because after I did it, I ran 5 miles. To be clear, I did not know that the toe was broken. I heard a crack when my toe connected with the bedframe as I turned to put some clothes on the dresser. And while it hurt, it didn't hurt like I thought it should have hurt if it were broken.

So yes, I, the girl who lives in the house of testosterone and amazing physical accomplishments, ran 5 miles with a broken toe. That feels satisfying somehow. But my toe still hurts. :(

Mirror exercise

It's Sunday, August 7th, and it's day 3 of my streak. Darn it -- missing a day just messes everything up!

The mirror exercise

My friend Donna does energy work. She works with people who have pain or sickness, physical or emotional, and helps to balance their energy so they can heal. You don't have to believe in what she does for it to work, which is great for me, as I've experienced lots of relief from depression because of her work. And yet I don't exactly understand how it works. But I don't have to.

One suggestion she made a long time ago was to do "the mirror exercise." Ok, I'm game. You look in a mirror and say, out loud, "(your name), I love and accept you just as you are, and (your name), God loves and accepts you just as you are." You say this three times while looking into your left eye, three times while looking into your right eye, and three times while looking into both eyes.

Simple, right?

I've made attempts to do this daily, the goal being 30 days in a row. My longest streak is 3 days.

Giving it a go once again, and today is day 3. Stay tuned to find out if, in a feat of superhuman endurance (the exercise takes all of 60 - 80 seconds, for goodness sakes!), Leslie can make it to FOUR DAYS in a row!

Hmmmmm

It's 5:25 and I've been up for an hour. I miss my blog. So I decided to write.
One thing I love about this blog is the history it represents. Nearly 1000 posts. Wow! I also love that it's not as public as Facebook. It seems self-serving to write in a blog to begin with (but therapeutic and fun as well, which is why I do it from time to time). But to announce that same information on Facebook doesn't work somehow.

So today. It's day 2 of a luxuriously slow week at the end of a summer that's been moving way too fast. Yesterday I did some amazing things like MADE SOUP FROM SCRATCH AND ENJOYED IT and CLEANED OUT PART OF THE FRIDGE. Oh and CALLED THE DENTIST AND SCHEDULED HAVING MY TOOTH FIXED. Yeah, I'm fun like that!

Part of my coping strategy for this summer has been a fair amount of emotional eating. I don't feel bad about this. It's a strategy that's worked. Now I want to go back to a healthier diet, so for this week I'm cutting out nothing (hooray!) but adding in health-supporting dishes. So daily it's 2 scrambled eggs at breakfast and a salad at lunch.

What's interesting about adding these choices in (and how difficult it is to do so) is that I love scrambled eggs and I love salad. Why the resistance? Because I've felt so behind in life -- like I can never quite catch up -- that I can't take the time to make either, nor can I take the time to clean up after myself. Self-worth may be a component of this. Yeah, I think I invented "let's make you a yummy lunch, but I'll make do with this protein bar." That's not something to feel proud of. (Incidentally I'm a decent enough writer to suspect the final "of" in that sentence is wrong, but not committed enough to find out for sure (where would I look?) or deal with it -- sigh.)

Perhaps a structure to what I write would work. A certain topic for Mondays, and for Tuesdays, and so on.

I like the sidebar lists I can create here. Entering fitness notes or what I made for dinner is a quiet way to be accountable. (Going to update some lists now.)

Brain dump

• Kind of obsessed with Portaldo on YouTube. I think his real name is Ido Portal and he does Capeoria (sp?) and Floreio movement. The video I'm including here is amazing. I'm working on some of his beginning movements and even those are beyond my grasp -- well, at least so far they are. 

• Did a Bodyrock TV burpie workout a few weeks ago and strained something in my left ankle, In a "do as I say not as I do" way, I kept running. Now it's swollen and hurting. No bueno. But I did ice it today (that tells you that it's hurting REALLY badly!). :)
• Girls on the Run is a fantastic program.
• Been an emotionally difficult week. One good friend having big troubles. Another REALLY good friend having big troubles. Parents still on the downhill slide. But trying to see it all as being in divine order. When I can remember that God knows and cares, it's all a lot more manageable.
• Heading to my parents to take my mom to the eye doctor. Will she be showered? Will she leave the house? Stay tuned for answers to these and other fascinating questions!

Seven for Sunday

1. Figured out where I saw "Three for Thursday" -- it was on Family, Fitness, Food. 
2. I would weigh a lot less if I didn't have teens. Why? Because "go to bed early, get up early" is my preferred schedule. And that's the opposite of what works for my kids. And my method of staying awake until they get home is known as Always Be Chewing (aka continuous eating). Might be time to find a new way...
3. 7 things seems like a lot of things at the moment -- having a brain fade and don't really know what to write.
4. Cooking ups and downs. Before the gym meet yesterday I made turkey burgers and an Asian coleslaw to take with us. Burgers were great as usual (recipe uses honey mustard pretzels and is very flavorful). Coleslaw was great right when made, but did not fare well in the car sans refrigeration. Oh well, at least I tried, right?
5. We currently have no Girl Scout cookies in our house, which is a very good thing.
6. I can't seem to shake the idea that Diet Pepsi is a healthy option. While I know it's full of chemicals and awfulness, my love for DP is obsessive and unrelenting. However, I'm adding way more good stuff into my diet and as of late have been known to eat an apple JUST BECAUSE (this is big stuff, people!). (The only apples I really really like are Cameos. They're juicy, flavorful, and crisp.)
7. Buster is still the best puppy in the whole entire world! Here is a video of his playful puppiness. 

Three for Thursday

Saw a Three for Thursday post on another blog (but can't for the life of me remember which blog, or I'd give credit here!), and figured I'd follow suit. So, in no particular order, here's what's on my mind.

1. Buster (in a rare calm moment). He's a lot of fun, but the whole puppy teeth thing is tough. So is the "the world is my toilet" attitude. :) Actually, he's doing well on that front -- it's us, the humans, who need a little training I think.

2. Running. Ran 7 today and it was tough. 6 the other day was easy. It is what it is, right?

3. Dishwasher. It's been broken for more than a week now, and our 3rd service call is tomorrow. I actually like being at home until I'm told I have to be at home. Then I don't like it at all. I think therapists call that oppositional defiant disorder. Or maybe it's just preschooler behavior.

Anti-aging lotions and potions

I am the perfect candidate (read "sucker") to believe anything that's written about anti-aging. Most days I like what I see in the mirror, but when I'm tired or depressed, it looks to me like my face is barely hanging onto my skull and it could slip off at any moment. This makes me vulnerable to the hype that surrounds many products, including:

• reduces fine lines
• tightens skin
• evens skin tone
• makes you look 10 years younger

All I've ever wanted (well, not ALL, but for now it feels that way) is to know what works at the cosmetic counter. They sell hundreds of tightening, firming, lifting magic creams, and can they all work? I don't think so. So if I just knew which one, I would buy a truckload of it and use it forever. (Years ago Joan Rivers joked that she was just going to buy all the Twinkies and slather the white stuff in the middle all over her face, cuz those things never go bad!)

Last month I decided to try to high-end face cream stuff. And I have to say that I think it's working. I went with a Perricone set I found on Sephora.com, and then added some eye cream. I liked the skincare stuff immediately and think my skin looks more evenly toned and younger. The eye cream I had to figure out, as the first one I got (Cold Plasma) smelled like fish. The reviews were mixed: some people said the smell went away, and others said they couldn't get past it. I was in the latter group, and exchanged the miracle eye cream that smelled nasty for some not-quite-as-miraculous eye cream that smells nice.

The danger of going to the Perricone site is that I want EVERYTHING! And I have to remember that what I'm doing now is working, so maybe if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And (truth be told) this is the first time I've consistently washed my face both morning and night in my whole life. (I know -- take away my girl card now people!) Is that why my skin looks better? NO! I believe it's the miracle face cream!

Being 50...

...is so much easier than TURNING 50. Milestone birthdays have a way of bringing out questions like "am I where I thought I would be?" which are kind of no-win queries, as (in a very Buddhist way) I am where I am and that's right where I'm supposed to be. Period.

So my age is 50, and I have to be mindful not to use that as a weapon ("Of course you aren't running fast, cuz you're FIFTY!") or an excuse ("I don't have to push hard, because after all, I'm FIFTY!") Neither of those attitudes really work for me. What works is seeing movement as play and listening to my body.

I did cartwheels the other day. It was scary, cuz I didn't have a 20x20 open area to work in (don't ask me why I need that much room -- guess I didn't trust that I could stay on a straight line). But I did it and it was fun. I'm still convinced that when I'm upside down, I'm reverse aging.

Anyway, 50 is just a number, but if I ever want to feel really good about how I look, I'm just gonna tell people I'm 55 or 57. If you lie upwards about your age, people will always be (falsely) amazed, right? (No I wouldn't really do this, but it's fun to consider!)

Hopelessly in love

This is Buster.

He is curious, energetic, lovable, and brings a delightful energy to our home.

We have an area of the back yard fenced off where he can do his business, and in that area I have a decorative wood pig. I think it's his favorite dog toy.

We are hopelessly in love with our little boy!

Handstands

Still doing handstand practice. I think it may morph into cartwheel practice, cuz that sounds like more fun. :)

I love it all!

There are many people who specialize in certain types of training or equipment or methodology. I keep wondering what my specialty should be, but the truth is I LOVE IT ALL! Honestly I just love to move.

Temps have been low and it's been really rainy, so I haven't run. Yesterday I did 5 minutes of kettlebell swings. Not as much as I would have liked to do, but it was what was possible.

Today I did a Core Fusion DVD (barre-inspired workout) for 50 minutes. Then I did a 10 minute modified Bodyrock challenge. They wanted you to do 20 mountain climbers, then 20 v-ups, and alternate for 10 minutes. I added some kettlebell swings, so it looked like this:

20 36 pound kettlebell swings
20 mountain climbers
20 v-ups
20 mountain climbers
20 swings
20 mountain climbers, etc.

I've never loved mountain climbers as much as I did today!

Doing it different

Quickest note here. The pull to say "I have a puppy so I can't do anything" is strong. But I'm learning.

Today's missions:
Hair appt (2 hours)
Train 2 clients
Do paperwork for parents' income taxes

Tomorrow:
Take dad to grocery store
Make quilt square for group baby shower quilt

It doesn't look like much on paper. Maybe I'm just making it bigger in my head than it needs to be. Of course, what's not stated is these puppy jobs:

Take puppy outside
Watch puppy at every moment
Stop puppy from chewing on couch
Take puppy outside
Stop puppy from chewing on carpet
Stop puppy from chewing on chairs
Take puppy outside
Take puppy outside
Stop puppy from chewing on cabinets
Feed puppy
Take puppy outside

No wonder I'm tired!

Puppy love

We have a new puppy. His name is Buster Posey Gandy, after Buster Posey of SF Giants fame. He is a lot of work, but he's even a lot more fun!

What's tough about having a puppy is that my tendency is to let nearly anything get in the way of what's important to me. I get the basics done: laundry, kid transportation, dinners (mostly, although Tim was not a fan of our fishsticks and broccoli meal last night!), dishes. And I'm actually good about parent stuff and my own exercise. But studying for my re-cert exam? That goes to the wayside in a heartbeat. So having an 8 week old puppy in the house is a challenge. Or a learning opportunity. Or maybe both. :)

Just did the Bodyrock Quantum of Sweat workout. 16 minutes and I'm sweating, breathless, and quivering. Good stuff.

Having a plan

Does everyone have a set plan of what they're going to do when they exercise? I don't. Rather, I have loosely defined targets I try to hit each week. I try to run about 20 miles and do 3 - 4 Dailey Method classes per week. Handstand practice is nearly daily, as is my 10 burpee thing.

So I'm thinking about getting more scheduled about my workouts. Tim does this. He'll put for each day the category of movement he's going to do (cardio, weights, yoga) and then decide on the amount of time and methodology on that day. It works for him.

Randomness

• Went dancing last night at The Station where Groove Thang was playing 70s and 80s R&B and funk. Had a blast!!!
• Just did 2 rounds of the Bodyrock 400 burpee workout. My arms are quivering from 200 pushups. I can't imagine doing two more rounds. So why am I thinking that I may do another round in a little while???
• Just ate some salmon. But washed it down with Diet Mountain Dew so my body won't go into shock. :)
• My husband is a very good dancer!
• One week from today we get our new puppy. I've decided to just go with it and enjoy the puppiness and all that goes with it.

The rest of the story

Dinner:
Mongolian BBQ (lots of veggies)
Small egg roll
Hot & sour soup

Snack:
apple
Raisin Bran w/milk and sugar

Bodyrock TV and what I eat

I love Bodyrock TV! Workouts are tough but accessible. Zuzana and Freddy seem like really nice people and I have tremendous respect for how she's changed her life.

Today they posted a diet challenge. The challenge is to eat more superfoods. I kind of have an issue with labeling something as a superfood, but the truth is that my diet could use some cleaning up. I get away with a lot of indulgence because I'm consistently active. But I feel better about myself when I'm a little leaner than I am now. (I am a medium sized person. 5'5" tall. 142 pounds.)

Ok, so here's what I've eaten today:

Breakfast:
Diet Mountain Dew
small handful of raw almonds
1 Clif gel (100 calories)

Ran 4 miles.
Did 60 minute Dailey Method class.

Snack:
piece of coffee cake from Barnes and Noble (calories listed as 450)

Lunch:
vegetarian burrito
fresh salsa
small green smoothie
Diet Mountain Dew

Snack:
small piece of cheddar cheese
3 milk chocolate Milano cookies
orange

I ate the orange because of the Bodyrock diet challenge. Otherwise I might have gone for some tortilla chips instead. :)

It's tiresome to log food to me. But a few days of tracking might be in order as I seek to truly nourish my body. And I've been struggling with more depression recently, which is a chicken and an egg scenario, as when I'm depressed I eat more sugary treats, which leads to lower moods, which leads to ... and so on. Accountability, whether publicly here or in the form of pen and paper, could really help. It certainly can't hurt, right?

Angels with skin

Social media in general and Facebook specifically are often looked down upon as venues that fragment and disconnect people, or take the place of true intimacy. But I have rarely felt as unalone (is that a word?) as I did with reading heartfelt comments from you all: high school friends, former neighbors, fitness friends. Thank you!

This morning I was particularly thankful to three angels with skin: my husband, and my girlfriends Donna and Laudon. I run with my friends on Wednesdays. We do everything we can to protect Wednesday at 8:00 for being together. It's wonderful. But after the day with my parents, and 3 hours at the orthopedic surgeon's office (with Austin) and just life, I felt like I couldn't run. So I texted my friends saying I wasn't coming. My husband who loves me enough to risk my anger, texted them to say I WOULD be showing up, and made it clear that I needed to go. Then I got a text from my girlfriends saying "Not leaving till you get here, or we will show up there. Pick your poison."

So I ran. And it's better. Not resolved. But better.

In an abrupt subject change, if you're looking for a tool to help with meditation or conscious breathing or just slowing down in general, Do As One is a wonderful site. I spent 10 minutes in the Full Spectrum Breathing Room after running. It was good.

On the verge

Trying something new here: writing when I'm in a bad place. What I want to do is to scream the f-word at the top of my lungs. Why? My parents.

First you need to know that I love my parents. A lot.

My dad has Alzheimer's, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, gout, depression, osteoporosis, and weighs (I almost put the actual number) a lot. He's 81. He's a LOVELY human being. And he cares for my mom, My mom is bi-polar (stuck in the down part of the cycle for about a decade now) and doesn't leave the house.

(I'm so tempted to just ditch this and not write...it seems mean.) :(

So my dad does laundry and fixes meals and tells my mom when to get up. My mom goes from the bed to the table to her chair and back to bed. They watch tv. They nap a lot. And they are content. And they don't want anyone in their house except for me and my brother.

So I call him every morning to tell him to take his medicine, and every evening to tell him to take his medicine. And I go there once or twice a week to keep the meds up to date and to take him to the grocery store and pay bills (most are on auto-pay) and make sure all is well.

We're on the verge of this not working, though.

We've agreed that a weekly shower for my mom is a reasonable thing. And in the last 6 months, she's gotten clean about every 3 weeks. Yesterday was supposed to be shower day. But they weren't up for it. So now the clock is ticking.

My dad hasn't taken his meds in the last 4 nights, even though we've called him 3 of those 4 evenings to remind him. (We were at a movie and forgot one of the nights.)

They want to stay in their house. And they don't want any strangers involved. And this can't continue. And I just want to cry as I type this, out of frustration, anger, fear, and love.

When I write again, I'll probably write about handstands or about Girls on the Run or about the sunshine. At least that's what I hope I can write about. For today, though, this is what weighs heavy on my heart. Well, this and Austin's ankle. Heading to see an orthopedist in a few hours.

I MISS BLOGGING!

Ok, so I just realized I've kept a weblog since 2005. That's almost 6 years of writing!!! Over the last year my writing has been sporadic at best and filled with depression and frustration, which have been my two prevailing moods. Well, there's been a little bit of hope thrown in, but not much.

Well it's time to go back to what works. And if I've kept a blog since 2005, I'm thinking writing is something that works for me, right?

I'm spending the afternoon reviewing my parts for Girls on the Run and doing the Bodyrock "Get Up and Step Up" workout.

Sunshine

Living in California is a mixed bag, but all the bad seems a small price to pay for the SUNSHINE! In fact, think I'll turn on my Sunshine playlist, which includes these fabulous sunny tunes:


Nothing I Can Do, Ben Taylor

Here Comes The Sun, The Beatles

Miss Sun, Boz Scaggs

Mr. Blue Sky, Electric Light Orchestra

Running On Sunshine, Jesus Jackson

Everybody Got Their Something, Nikka Costa

Black Hole Sun, Soundgarden

Island in the Sun, Weezer

Seven Days In Sunny June, Jamiroquai

You Are the Sunshine of My Life, Stevie Wonder

Brighter Than Sunshine, Aqualung

Make it a beautiful Monday, peoples!

So sad

Austin competed in Pleasanton last weekend and took 4th place all around and 1st place in pommel horse. Wednesday night he had an accident at the gym and sprained his ankle. Badly. Like it's 4 days later and he can barely put weight on it. Gym meets? Out of the question for the near future. And I keep thinking "what if that panel mat hadn't been there?" and "why did this have to happen to him???" and stuff like that. Then I think about people who are having those same thoughts about a spinal cord injury or about accidents that people didn't survive. But my heart still hurts for my son. His dream is to do gymnastics in college and RIGHT NOW is when colleges are looking. And he sits with an ankle that doesn't work. If only I could give him one of mine...

Girls on the Run, puppies, and handstands and burpees

My friend Julia and I are coaching Girls on the Run and it starts tomorrow. I can't wait! We get to be with a group of 3rd to 5th grade girls for 12 weeks as we learn about respect for yourself and others, and train to run a 5K race!

Nerves are common when you're trying something new, right? I tend to see what could go wrong rather than what could go right and that tendency is something I've become aware of -- painfully aware of! For example, in 2 weeks we are getting a puppy. That should have an exclamation point, right? But boy can I tell you everything that's going to be tough about having a puppy. Mindfulness is what helps me to focus on the good stuff about puppies (they're fun, funny, warm, round, snugly, adorable) rather than the bad stuff (which I will not expand on here).

On a final unrelated note, I'm working (again) on handstands and burpees by doing 1 minute of handstands and 10 burpees per day. The handstands are practiced in my hallway, a la Nina Nina Nina's video:

Baby steps

Staying active is easier on Facebook, as I can just write a sentence or two there. Not that there's anything preventing me from doing the same thing here. (Might need to give this some thought, as that could be my answer to staying updated here. Hmmmmm.)

On the fitness front, I've been doing The Dailey Method several times a week and am getting a lot stronger. But boy oh boy do plies and thigh work HURT!!! I mean like hurt, burn, pain, yikes! Even though I'm getting stronger, I did a DVD on Wednesday (only 30 minutes of it!) and I have been crazy sore ever since. If you want to check out a really good instructor, Google Paul Katami. Or click here to see which specific DVD I did. OUCH!!!

Leaving for Southern CA in the morning to visit my mother (boy do I love her!) and attend The Women's Conference. Michelle Obama is the featured speaker on Tuesday morning, and there are many well-respected women presenting at this three-day event.

(I feel like this is really disjointed...)

Today Tim and I did 10 minutes of the Paul Katami Ab Lab DVD. Tim's had trouble finding ab exercises that don't get his hip flexors overinvolved and in pain, and the first 10 minutes are all standing ab stuff. He liked it (woo hoo)! And then we ran a hilly 4 miles in the rain. We both wear iPods when we run and I'm sure there are people who see us and think "they are out and not even talking? what's wrong with them?" But it works for us. It's just nice to be together, and of course, if we want to talk, we can.

Hoping for a GIANTS win tonight! Happy Saturday!!!

Looking up

Things are looking up. Well, nothing's changed except for my outlook and perspective. All I can way is WHEW!

Planning for afternoon clients right now but will write again later if time permits.

Today's plan

• Take recommended amount of anti-d (and consider switching meds as this one may not be working any more).
• Run.
• Dailey Method.
• Help a friend (doing a specific thing, not just a random "help a friend" task).
• Clean house (both literally and figuratively).
• Trust God!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming...

...for a brief kick in the teeth. Back shortly!

Shoot, shoot, shoot! Saturday night there was an incident that took me back down and sucked the hope all gone. Well, the truth is that I let this happen, darn it, but circumstances can certainly make life feel difficult, can't they?

So that's what was up with the silence. Thanks for the marvelous comments. They made my heart happy!

I think I'm ready...

...for a change.

From depression to hope.

From hiding to (what's the opposite of hiding?).

From unfocused to focused.

From living small to living large.

Stay tuned...

Learning

Went to bed sad.

Woke up sad.

Wanted to just go back to bed, but...

Met girlfriends to run.

Went to Dailey Method class.

Feel about 1000% better.

Lessons?

Feelings are not forever.

Endorphins are earned.

There is much to be grateful for.

Having teens makes me sad

It's midnight and I can't sleep. The sadness I feel from distant teenage sons is to blame. Someday I'm sure I'll look back and laugh. Right now it just hurts. :(

Elusive sleep

Sleep can be elusive. You'd think with how tired I feel and how active I am, it would be easy. Maybe it's changing hormones, a mind that doesn't want to stop thinking, or just it is how it is, right?

Running has felt fun again! Yesterday I ran 5 in the morning, then 5 more in the afternoon. The afternoon run was hot (90 degrees, I think) and draining, but in a very good way.

Still stretching. My gymnast son provides input from time to time, as he knows a lot about flexibility. Two nights ago I was stretching, and he decided he would stretch too. So while I'm working on getting my leg straight as I bend over it, he's in oversplits! I told him I felt dispired, which is when you're discouraged AND inspired at the same time. :)

So anyway, the next night (last night) I was stretching again and I showed him where I am in right leg splits. He of teenage sarcasm and irritation, said with genuine surprise "That's really good, Mom!" I'm nowhere near all the way down, but I'm getting closer, and it's progress, not perfection, right?

Big scary goal

I have a goal. It doesn't matter to anyone but me. But it's my goal and I'm setting my sights on it. Are you ready for it? Here it is:

I will have all 3 splits (right, left, center) down by my 50th birthday in January.

Did I really just say that? Yikes! It seems impossible when I think about it, but I'm gonna try. I do stretch every night in front of the TV for about 15 - 20 minutes. Sometimes we're watching a SF Giants game (go Giants!). Sometimes it's Sports Center. Sometimes it's one of our shows (Mad Men, The Closer (season finale tonight!)).

I'm not even close on any of the directions. But I'm gonna give it a shot.

Venice Beach fun

Dance-based workouts

I've been doing Dailey Method since March. Well that's not entirely accurate. I first tried DM in March right before running Big Sur. And I liked it, but not enough to do it more than once or twice a month.

I didn't like that it was taught at someone's house. Houses are fine. But I can't stand feeling like I'm in the way. And the room that comfortably held 6 people was regularly populated by 7 or 8 people, so guess who felt like she shouldn't be there? You're right -- ME!

The other thing I didn't like was that I'm not very flexible. And the workouts incorporate flexibility, not just as part of the cooldown, but throughout the class. And being with all the bendy young girls made me feel like the only man in class and that did not feel great.

In July DM opened at its real place of business. But I didn't start going regularly until last week. For the next month I'm taking 3 to 4 classes a week. Combined with consistent running and consistent healthy eating, this is my plan to shed the extra pounds I'm carrying.

So as a student of fitness I'm noticing that there are lots of DM-ish workout places opening up. All seem to be based on the Lotte Berke Method, which I first heard about maybe 25 years ago and could not WAIT to try it. (If dancers love it, count me in!) So this week I've checked out the websites for Fludity, Barre3 and Physique 57 and they all seem very similar to DM. All are based on Lotte Berke with some variations.

So that's all I've got to say about that. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Great weekend!

We had so much fun in Southern CA. If we're friends on Facebook you've already seen some of the pictures and video. I'll try to post them here too, but am writing without them hoping to keep some of the writing momentum going. So do I think it's best to post photos and video and other fun stuff? Absolutely! But I'm not gonna let it stop me.

So highlights of the weekend:

Giants vs. Dodgers at Dodgers Stadium -- fantastic park, and although we got a LOT of flak for wearing our Giants garb, we ended the evening with some new friends, even though we have to agree to disagree as to which team is the better team.

Touring a house in Beverly Hills -- a 1930s mansion was open for viewing. They wanted a mere $5.9 million for it (!). It was fascinating and strange and lovely.

Lunch in Hollywood -- wonderful French restaurant on Sunset Blvd. I've never seen so many expensive rare cars in my life!

Playing on Venice Beach -- rings, ropes, bars -- all over the sand. Who could ask for anything more?!?!

UCLA -- what a beautiful campus.

Marina del Rey -- this is where we stayed. Beautiful city. So great to experience the coastal mornings after too many 100+ degree days here at home.

That's it for now. Starting a month of Dailey Method as of today. Starting good eating as of today, as I've moved from fluffy to fleshy and right into downright flabby, which feels very very icky. So it's time to take action, right? Right!

So much better

It's amazing how therapeutic movement can be! Ran 4 with my friends, then did another 3 listening to Cardio Coach. Btw, I LOVE Cardio Coach but I don't use it as often as I should. If you haven't tried it, change that!

Anyway, I'm ready for my clients. Spent a little time stretching and doing some TRX moves (their muscle-up prep exercise works EVERYTHING!). And now I feel happy about trip to So Cal. Moral of this story? Feelings change, and movement works!

My get up and go...

...must've got up and went.

Feeling sad and wanting to go back to bed, despite not getting up until 6:30. (Past two days I've gotten up at 4:30 and 4:00 cuz my head started thinking and I could not go back to sleep.) We fly to So Cal today and (sad but true) I'm not looking forward to a weekend away. It just feels exhausting. (Well, anything that's NOT sleeping feels exhausting right now.)

So what will I do? Yes, we're right back to "put one foot in front of the other." Meeting friends at 8:00 to run. Do I want to run? No. Will I? Yes. Training clients this afternoon. Then heading to the airport. And I'm trusting that feelings change, cuz they always do.

So with that, have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Different kind of run

Went out to do 4 miles. Listened to a Motion Traxx (free on iTunes) podcast from 6/24/10, Run/Walk intervals with Jeff Galloway. Music was a little strange, but I'm sure I got a much better workout with the 1 min run intervals than I would have with a steady state run on my own.

Fun fact: I have a 4 mile loop where I run to Lake Tahoe (the Court, not the actual lake) and back. This makes me smile every time I do it.

Another smiley thing: I've been stretching nearly every day for the past couple of months. Nothing regimented, but usually about 10 to 15 minutes in front of the TV at night. Well today at Dailey Method, I was able to do the barre stretch with my hands on the bar! (Until today I've needed to use a strap.)

Not quite as fun: I've been eating a lot to counteract stress and I'm feeling really fleshy right now. So did everything jiggle as I ran my intervals? Yes it did. But do I care? Heck no, cuz I know why I'm out there. :)

smile, breathe & go slowly

READ THIS! Leo Babauta is a genius!

Checking in

Well, it's a mixed bag today.

• I've decided I really need to focus on what's positive. So "no bad news" is what I'm keeping in mind.
  
• Having said that, can I just scream a string of curse words? Once again my mom isn't bathed, and once again, I'm trying to shore up the badly sinking ship that is their finances, and once again I come across 10s of thousands of dollars of "assistance" to a family member. It's really hard to keep caring sometimes!!!
• Had dinner/snack with my older son at 3:45 today. He's talking to me again. So relieved!
• The sun is shining.
• Did yoga with my boyfriend this morning.
• Feeling really ready to ditch the "no carb left behind" diet. But tonight is bday night at my 12-step group. Can someone say "corner piece with frosting?" Yeah baby!
  

Another happy day

This makes two days in a row. Ran 4. Groceries. Making turkey chili. Weather is cool and breezy. Life feels (and IS) good.

Happy day

• Temps are in the 80s!
• Walk/ran for 45 minutes, doing Thunder Hill 3 times (running the whole time, both up and down).
• Danced for 15 minutes.
• Training clients.
• Only taking on what is mine to take. (May not make sense on paper, but trust me, it's a good thing.)

Relief!

On Monday I could barely get out of bed. The too-muchness of life was just too much. Here are the circumstances that contributed to my demise:

1. Parents. Without going into detail, things are tough and getting tougher, both for my parents and for those who love them. Getting stuff done feels a bit like steering the Titanic -- it takes tons of effort to make even the slightest change.
2. Teenagers. In emotional bank account terms, teens make tons of withdrawals and very few deposits.
3. Husband. Tim got LASIK (mono vision) on Friday and results were below his expectations by a lot. Plus he had a reaction to the preservatives in the drops. So my normally on-an-even-keel-as-long-as-he-gets-enough-golf-and-a-few-other-things man was scared, irritable, and exhausted.
4. Family. A marriage is ending in our beloved extended family and I feel heartbroken for everyone involved.
5. Me. In the name of "being gentle" I ate all the chocolate raisins. And Twizzlers. And giant spoonfuls of frosting.

If I could do a Venn diagram of these elements, the intersection would be insanity and depression.

So what's changed? A few things:

1. Serotonin. I've been off and on zoloft for nearly 10 years, more on than off, and on Monday I increased my dosage (my doctor has given me permission to do this). Do I want to be the poster child for the anti-d companies? Heck no. But for me at this time, it's the right thing to do.

2. Thoughts. More positive thoughts. These started coming after the serotonin boost, so maybe this is 1b, and zoloft is 1a. Don't care though. I could tell that my "I can do some things" muscle was getting stronger. And my awareness of God (real God, not church God) increased.

3. Connection. Rather than holding people at arms-length, I started seeking them out. Even though I still felt bad. Even though "how are you?" felt like a threatening question. And guess what? Talking with friends helped.

4. Action. My parents situation feels truly overwhelming, but if I just take it one step at a time, and remember that I'm not alone (thank goodness for my brother, who visits them every other day and takes my dad to the store), it's not quite as bad. This week's action has included getting some bills onto auto-pay, deciding on an accountant to do the taxes, and closing some bank accounts. Is this everything? Not even close. But it's SOMETHING!

5. Movement. Literally moving my ass has helped. Did a Dailey Method class with a friend on Tuesday even though I didn't want to. Ran with friends yesterday because I'd said I would be there. And this morning I did pullups, pushups, kettlebell swings, and DANCED to Earth Wind & Fire, who I saw in concert last night.

6. Nourishment. I'm still indulging (and yeah my weight is up some) but I'm adding in healthy options. So this afternoon I had a green smoothie AND some vanilla wafers instead of, oh say vanilla wafers and frosting. :) If history repeats itself, more movement and more nourishment will work, given some time.

The 107 degree heat has broken today, and life in general feels so much better!

As we head into the weekend

Question: Anyone have ideas for what to do for my son's 17th birthday? He says he's good with us taking him and 2 friends out for sushi, but I want to do something more. And for my "I fly under the radar" kid, decorating his car it definitely OUT!

Thursday:
Ran 5 miles
Put some of my parent's bills on auto bank draft
Got a pedicure
Hair appt

Today:
Run 5 miles
Train clients :)
Take Tucker to airport (flying to LA to spend the weekend with my baby sis!)
Take care of Tim after LASIK surgery

Happy Friday!

Diet (?) and exercise

Yesterday I ate whatever the heck I wanted to. But I did exercise for 30 minutes. Here's what I did:

5 rounds of
5 pullups (TRX, using toes as support)
10 incline pushups
15 fast air squats
20 ball crunches

In between rounds I stretched. Then I set my iPod to repeat "Take Me To The Next Phase" by the Isley Brothers, and I danced. Practiced spotting. Played with movement. And ended with an all-out effort dance that looked ridiculous (trust me) but felt amazing in an "I'm so happy, but now that I can't breathe I need to take a little break" sort of way.

:)

Money transferred.
Bills paid.
Showers for both.
Laundry done.

It was a good day at my parent's house.

Just a little CSI trick

If you get some Vick's Vapor Rub and apply it repeatedly to your nostrils, you can barely smell anything. Learned this from CSI and other investigative crime dramas, and I'm sure glad to know it.

Update

Sunday: 9 mile hike
Monday: Dailey Method
Today: help parents, no workout

Feels a little like groundhog day. Almost 2 years ago I was shredding mail, trying to get bills up to date, and figuring out how to get my mom bathed. Today? Same exact stuff! The good news is that I am here to help. The bad news is that I find it super frustrating at times. Good thing we're not judged on our thoughts, right?

Oh, and I should mention that right now, healthy eating is kind of a thing of the past. As I saw in an Eat, Pray, Love promo, I'm on a no-carb-left-behind sort of diet. :)

Today's workout

Dailey Method class
4 mile run

Dance class do's

Here are some things you can do to retain my business.

Start on time.
Introduce yourself.
Even if you're tired, keep it to yourself.
Have a movement/dance oriented warmup (not 5 minutes of running).
Notice when students are lost.
Prepare so it doesn't seem like you're surprised that you have to teach some stuff.

I'm trying again on Monday.

Today's workout

P90X Upper +

Took a jazz class on Monday. Didn't like it, but I'll be going back. Details will follow.

Fully back!

Written 7/19
Today is the first full day I'm feeling back to normal and I'm so grateful! It's tough trying to do life on minimal energy and feel good, and makes me appreciate anyone who struggles with a chronic condition, yet manages somehow to smile.

Last night we had a house full of American and French teens, and it was a LOT of fun!

Written today
Life is flying by with two of my own kids, one French kid, and less than a month of summertime left. I've been limiting my computer time, which means there's more reading and cooking and connecting going on. But that makes it tough to blog consistently, you know? :)

If you've stopped by to visit, thank you! I plan to write consistently once our French student leaves on August 2nd. Until then, (insert French words for "be good!"). :)

Re-entering the land of the living?

Since Wednesday I've had no energy and felt nauseated almost 100% of the time. Last night we saw Ziggy Marley in concert, and thankfully I felt good for the whole concert. But then I slept almost 12 hours last night (WHAT? I NEVER sleep that long!) and I think after a nap today (I'm not kidding -- there's a nap in my future!) I may be back to normal.

Obviously when all you do is lay around, sit around, and sleep, there's not much to write about. :/

Today's stuff

Take dad grocery shopping.
Sprint workout.
Train client.
Ready house for Ben.
Fix dinner (one that can "hold" until he gets here).
Go get Ben.

Happy Wednesday!!!

Misc.

• Loving eating higher fat/lower carb. Waist down by 2 inches (!). Whole body is tighter.
• Our French foreign exchange student arrives tomorrow night. Looking forward to meeting Ben and having him here for 3 weeks. We've planned going to see Ziggy Marley in concert, rooting the Giants on when they take on the Dodgers, and heading up to Tahoe. The organization he's coming over with has organized field trips (to SF for example, which is a must for this area) and we can go on those too!
• Did Dailey Method today and Saturday. All's I got to say is OUCH!

life...

Still here. Quick observations:

• Both kids were gone for 4 days and it was so great being kid-free. A little too great. When they got back yesterday it was quite stressful and Tim and I had some tense icky discussions (not quite fights, but certainly not easy breezy harmony!).
• Still playing with this new way of eating and I'm officially in the low 130s as of today. This is a weight zone I haven't visited in a VERY long time! Eating between 1800 and 2000 calories per day most days, so not hungry much. Running less than ever, but still losing weight? I'll take it! I'd highly encourage checking this style of eating out. Let me know if you want recommendations of podcasts or books that can help.
• Tim and I have discovered Entourage on HBO and are enjoying it immensely!

Heading out for a 4 or 5 mile run before triple digit heat hits. Happy Sunday!

Primal eating...

...is working. Easy? Not exactly. But working? Yep. Weight is down by 2-1/2 pounds. Waist is smaller. And I'm feeling good.

Much of my computer time is spent learning more about low carb/high fat eating. As per Livestrong, yesterday 50% of my calories came from fat. That's crazy! I've never been a low-fat eating girl -- NEVER -- and for that I'm thankful. But it seems there's lots of evidence about high-fat diets helping with depression (!) and hormone balancing (!) and body composition (!).

So back to what I'm eating. I eat kinda strange stuff -- I'm the first to admit it. For example, I'm using Udo's Oil 3-6-9 blend as part of my diet. When I have it, though, I just have a tablespoon of it. By itself. Yeah, I'm weird like that. So anyway, here's what I ate yesterday:

Udo's oil
Beverly Int'l protein powder (low carb, tastes like cake batter!)

green smoothie (fruit, spinach, chard, lemon)
string cheese
tortilla chips

grilled chicken
1/2 avocado
strawberries

Starbuck's light bottled frappuccino
almonds
string cheese
Udo's oil

mahi mahi with butter and lemon and garlic
green beans with bacon and onion
Caesar salad
dark chocolate

protein powder

Livestrong says I ate 1910 calories and the proportions were

49% fat
23%protein
28% carbs

I also ran almost 5 miles.

Ok, time to go do P90X (workout of Tim's choice -- hope he doesn't choose Chest & Back -- he never chooses a lower-body workout, so I'm safe there!).

Needing to slow down

How is it that my kids are out of town, I don't work, and yet I never feel like I have enough time? I think I need to slow down. Way down.

Limiting time on the computer helps, especially now that I'm not trolling Facebook or playing games there. Where I get in trouble, though, is my incessant need for knowledge. It's one of those good/bad things. The good is that I'm curious. The bad is that I can be on the computer just trolling for information for ... well, this morning for an hour. Just looking at stuff that's interesting. I may need to see about a computer time limit -- just a thought.

So yeah, I'm kid-free still Saturday. Austin's at gymnastics camp. Tucker's with my sister and her fam in Santa Cruz. We're not doing anything exciting, but sure enjoying being the two of us. Last night we cooked dinner together, then went to a meeting, then did computer stuff at home, and while we were watching an episode of "United States of Tara" the power went out. And stayed out. So we went for a walk around 11:00. Really cool!

Today's schedule is as follows:

P90X with boyfriend :)
Hair appt in Auburn
Free afternoon
Dinner at The Chef's Table

Possibilities for free afternoon include:
shopping/browsing (Sur la Table, Lucy, Barnes & Noble)
gardening (need to pull out the veggies that aren't working)
watching SYTYCD (!)
reading (Hunger Games, Eat Fat Lose Fat)

Happy Thursday!

The Hunger Games

Started The Hunger Games last night. I think I'm gonna like it! What are YOU reading?

Great post from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project

Buddhism Has 8 Auspicious Symbols. I Chose My Own Set of Symbols. What Are Yours?

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Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 11:40am

Every Wednesday is Tip Day – or List Day.
This Wednesday: The 8 auspicious symbols of Buddhism -- and my own list, too.

I get a tremendous kick out of the numbered lists that pop up throughout Buddhism: the Triple Refuge, the Noble Eightfold Path, the Four Noble Truths. In fact, it was Buddhism that inspired me to write my Four Splendid Truths (after I formulated the First Splendid Truth, I just had to assume that I’d end up with more than one).

However, it’s surprising to me that Buddhism, with its emphasis on gateless gates and transcending the bounds of rational thinking, has so many of these numbered lists. I love them, but still, it seems incongruous. There’s a koan to be written about it, that’s for sure. Let's see...how about, “Use numbers to throw away enumeration.”

One of my favorite lists from Buddhism is the list of the eight auspicious symbols:
1. Parasol
2. Golden fish
3. Treasure vase
4. Lotus
5. Conch shell
6. Endless knot
7. Victory banner
8. Wheel of Dharma

I was inspired to come up with my eight - wait, make that nine -- auspicious symbols for my happiness project:
1. Bluebird, to symbolize happiness
2. Ruby slippers, to remind me that what I need for happiness is with me, right here and right now
3. Dictionary, to stand for reading, writing, and invention
4. Blood…between my husband’s Hepatitis C, my sister’s diabetes, and St. Therese, blood has assumed great power in my life
5. Gold star, to symbolize virtue and right action
6. Dice, to reminder me of the influence of chance and fortune
7. Holstein cow, a symbol representing my family. Long story.
8. Peacock feather, a reminder of symbols beyond words
9. Cherries. Cherries are cheery.

What would your auspicious symbols be? Please post them! I'm so curious to hear what other people would choose.

Oops

I guess today is not my day for lots of writing. Oh well...

One thing. I finished the book Little Bee. It was not a light-hearted book, but worth reading, in case anyone is looking for something to consider.

Thoughts

This afternoon I'm home with a houseful of teenagers which is a very good thing (they're great kids) and it means I'll have time to write, I think. So here are some thoughts (somewhat scattered cuz that's just kind of where I'm at today):

• Loving Livestrong's Daily Plate, but really understand what Colette said about getting obsessive with tracking. One of the reasons I was on dailymile for so long was that it's perfect for tracking running progress. But right now I'm interested in more than running. I'm reading a lot of stuff about eating primally (more meat, more fat, fewer carbs and sugars) and so tracking food (esp carbs and sugars -- nothing crazy, but just seeing how I do around 150g of carbs per day) making a lot of sense.
• Speaking of primal, Tim and I are going to PrimalCon next year. It's a weekend conference in Southern CA and it looks like so much fun!
• We are also going to see AEROSMITH on July 23. It's been a life-long dream to see them in concert, and I can't believe it's finally going to happen!!!
• I'm spending a lot less time on the computer and I think that's a very good thing. One of these days I'll write about why I got so caught up in Facebook and especially the games. But for today I'm just very happy to be free from the addictive nature of the computer. (But I get the irony of expressing this ON A COMPUTER!)

More later...

Livestrong

Thanks for all the helpful input about tracking stuff. I've decided to go back to Livestrong for food and fitness tracking. Colette made a good point about whether stuff needs to be tracked at all, and I think I do best when I keep track of what I do. So if you want to visit me on Livestrong, I'm lpglives.

Have a wonderful Monday!

So you think you can dance

If you're not watching this show, you MUST start watching immediately! Here's this week's best routine. Keep in mind that the Asian guy is a ballet dancer and you'll be even more amazed by how he moves. Enjoy!!!
Here

Points

(This idea is blatantly copied from Katie who is brilliant in every way!)

Katie made a list of things she wants more or less of, and assigned point values to each item. Here are some examples from her list:

• For every morning workout I complete, I earn 5 points.
• For every dinner at the dinner table, I earn 5 points.
• For every egg breakfast, I earn 3 points.

So she's assigned points to various activities, and then thought of rewards for certain point levels. I am a geeky girl who is highly motivated by rewards such as stickers and stars, and this might be a great way to improve my overall health habits.

So here's what comes to mind as activities that earn points:

Running
DVD workout (I'm just trying Brazil Butt Lift from Beachbody)
Green smoothie
No sugar after dinner (this would be so huge for me)
Meditation

I don't know how many points or what they'd earn, but I'm loving playing around with the idea. Katie, I will be closely following your progress in the month of July. Best of luck!

Tracking exercise

For almost 3 years I've tracked mileage on dailymile, and awesome fitness website, primarily focused on running and cycling. But for the last month or so, I no longer want to log my miles. Part of it is that I'm so enjoying doing other stuff. For example, this week so far I've run 10 miles, done 2 Tracy Long DVDs and done 1 yoga workout. And the DVDs and yoga don't really translate well to dailymile.

But the other reason is that I tried to help some members on the site with a project, and it kind of went sideways. What they needed was taking place while I was on vacation, and I couldn't say yes to what I was asked to contribute to the project. Well, I could have said yes, but it would have felt like selling myself out. I (in a chicken sort of way) sent an email apologizing but saying I couldn't say yes to the request, and I've heard nothing back. So now the site feels kinda scary to me, which is silly, but true.

So does anyone use another fitness tracking site they'd like to recommend? I'd love to know.

CLARIFICATION: No strange interactions occurred on the website. These are people who own a local training business and we met and talked on the phone.

APPRECIATION: Thank you for the suggestions, everyone!

DECISION: I'm going to give DailyBurn a try. If you happen to track fitness there, I'm "ellelives".

Still here

Yes, we're home, but I'm having trouble getting caught up. It's so easy to get on Hawaii time, and so tough to go from West to East. Then add in some dental issues (that I'm hoping are fixed), some sleep issues, and some hormone issues, and life can feel a little unbalanced.

Having said all that, life is good and there is much to be grateful for. For today I'm grateful for dentists who can give you lots and lots of shots before they try to fix problem areas and for summertime weather that's not but not too hot. :)

Vacation workouts

Some people don't like to exercise on vacation, but I feel best when I can move. Since we're been here I've exercised every day (except for our travel day). Yesterday I walk/ran 7 miles. The other days I've done a primal workout on the beach and had a blast doing it. Today we went to Wailua Beach (we call it big wave beach) and I swam and swam, then as a family we did sand rolling, where you just lay down in the shallows and let the ocean take you where it will. It's harder than it sounds, that's for sure!

Just taking a moment to vent

We are having a great vacation. Lots of swimming in the ocean. Lots of great family time. Delicious food in abundance. And I've been wearing a bikini every day, just six months away from my 50th birthday. So what's there to vent about?

Honolua Surf Company. That's what. They make clothes for men and for little girls. They SAY they're for women, but they are lying. Seriously -- a normal-size man can find things to wear in their stores. But a normal-sized woman? Good eff-ing luck. I pulled a rash guard shirt off the rack. It was cute. It looked like my size. The real size? 2XL!!! The women's small looked like a doll shirt.

I really try not to be defined by my weight or my size. And empirically at 5'5" tall and 137 pounds, I'm not that big. But holy heifer, I felt like a giant cow walking around in this store. And why was I there? Because my husband and kids LOVE store. They also LOVE Quicksilver, by the way, and Quicksilver's sister company, Roxy, has the same sizing as Honolua.

On a much more positive note, Tim had a wonderful Father's Day. We made sure he knew he was loved at every turn.

Ok, enough of the griping. Thanks for listening!

Vacation bound

We're heading out for a family vacation tomorrow, and I can't wait! Kauai is our destination and I'm so ready to do some ocean swimming, one of my all-time favorite things to do!

Life's been a little overwhelming ... well, maybe just super busy is a better description ... in the past few days. But now that Tucker has been to the doctor (diagnosis = strep throat, antibiotics are working!), my dental work is complete (90 minutes of work, but I should be able to eat without pain again!), the shopping has been completed (we own all the sunscreen there is!), and with only the meeting with the foreign exchange program (we're hosting a student from France in July) lady tonight, life is feeling slightly easier. Now that I write it down, that doesn't sound like all that much, does it?

So let's talk about diet for a minute. I'm kinda doing Belly-Fat Cure AND Primal Blueprint. Yes, I'm eating meat again. And yes, it's strange after 5 years of being veg/vegan. To the best of my ability I'm reducing refined carbs (although last night when I couldn't sleep because of mouth pain, and powered through an entire "sleeve" of Golden Oreos), emphasizing protein and fruits and veggies, and just trying to be sane about it all. Do I plan to enjoy myself on vacation? Heck yeah!

Regarding exercise, I'm finding that eating fewer carbs means less energy when doing crazy stuff. Like I can totally do my park play workouts. But the half marathon? SLOOOOOW compared to my usual pace. So I may be changing up my exercise routine, doing fewer long distance runs, and more intense shorter races. While in Hawaii, you can be sure that there will be running on the beach, lunge walks, pushups, kinda whatever feels good in the moment.

Well, if I'm gonna exercise today, it's got to happen now. I'm checking out another Tracy Long DVD (can't remember the title at the moment) and I'll let you know how it is.

Sending hugs & love...

Learning...

It's Friday! We're heading to San Francisco for some fun stuff, namely going to the Giants game tonight, and then running in The Giant Race in the morning. Tim and Tucker are running the 5K and I'm doing the half marathon. I hope the medal is a good one!

So I'm still kinda doing The Belly Fat Cure, but not exactly. I spent a little too much money on Belly Fat approved products (all things I'll use up, but none were necessary). But doing BFC has gotten me to start eating meat again. And with the willingness to eat meat, I can now consider the plan that makes the most sense to me: The Primal Blueprint. There is so much to love about this plan, both the eating and the exercise thoughts.

(do you ever feel like you can't quite get the words to flow? that's what I'm feeling right now. I should probably stop writing, but I press on...)

So the current eating plan is based on moderation in all things, with an emphasis on keeping grain carbohydrates to a minimum. I've lost a few pounds this week (hooray!) but even better is that my body looks and feels tighter and lighter. So I'm spending some time over at Mark's Daily Apple learning about what he has to say about being healthy, the Primal way.

On the fitness side of things, I've been exploring some old DVDs -- ones that I own but have never tried. I did a Tracie Long Training lower body DVD the other day and LOVED some of the moves. Watched and played along to a Synergy Fitness Core Salvation DVD. It's always great to watch exercise videos, as I learn more that I can use myself and share with my clients, a win/win to be sure.

Yesterday's workouts were my favorites though! In the morning I hiked the Auburn trails with a friend. In the afternoon I put on my Vibram Five Fingers and took my rope and a couple of kettlebells to the park. Then I spent 30 minutes doing this:

• push ups
• one arm rows
• burpees
• skipping
• kettlebell swings
• kettlebell clean and press
• kettlebell snatches
• lunge walking
• crawling
• side shuffles
• sprints
• rope drags
• rope waves

Having the VFFs on meant I could feel the grass under my feet and that made me feel very playful. And the whole time felt like play. Was it easy? No. But was it fun? Absolutely! Note that skipping and crawling are WAY tougher than one might think. :)

The Belly Fat Cure

I have a client who is losing weight -- stubborn weight that wouldn't budge -- using The Belly Fat Cure. So I bought the book. And Tim, who is wanting to drop a few pounds before vacation, asked me if I'd like to try doing it with him.

First I said I'd think about it, with the intention of saying no. When I really did some thinking, I realized my hesitation was mostly about not wanting to fail, as doing most anything with Mr. Willpower can be discouraging. But then I thought about how I've wanted to get my eating on track for some time now, and this could be the time to do it. And I also realized that I'm the one who makes it a zero sum game and that is simply not necessary.

The diet is fairly low carb, but not in a crazy Atkins-like way. And as carbs, especially in the form of candy and cookies, are my downfall, it seems ideal to kind of reset my appetite. The diet relies heavily on protein and fat as fueling options and that's fine. And hey, if it doesn't work, I can go back to my Twizzlers and Toll-House cookies, right? :)

We started on Sunday, and so far, so good. There are some foods that I normally eat that are considered "good" foods -- raw almonds, organic tortilla chips (in moderation), my Beverly International protein powder that tastes like cake batter (!). I've made two recipes from the book (Garden Fresh Greek Salad and Chipotle Chicken Tacos) that were huge hits with my whole family.

Am I hungry? Sometimes, but not all the time. And I'm learning to rethink hunger. Feeling hungry is not an emergency. It's how you're supposed to feel before you eat. (I read "Think of food as fuel, not stuffing." a while back and this seems to apply.) Am I losing water weight? Of course, as carbs help your body to hang on to water. Am I feeling slimmer? Yes! Is this sustainable? Only with modifications. But can I try it until we leave on vacation? Absolutely!

(I just finished my very satisfying breakfast of cottage cheese, Barleans Omega Swirl, and sliced almonds.)

What's for dinner?

Once again, I'm creating accountability for family dinners on my other blog, Saving Dinnertime. If you're so inclined, check it out.

From Robin Hood, the movie

Rise and rise again. This is today's mantra.

The world was a better place...

...because Shadow was in it.

I called the vet and made an appointment for Shadow at 11:00. Told the kids. Tucker said his goodbyes and went to meet his friends. Austin didn't have to leave for work yet.

As it got closer to 11, Austin was still laying with Shadow, stroking her fur. I asked if I could take a few pictures, and he nodded.

He helped me get her into the car and I drove off. I cried on the way. Did the paperwork. Carried my dog into the room. Held her on my lap. Then Austin came in. His eyes were red. Together we stroked and scratched and loved on our dog. And we cried. Right before he left I told him he chose the harder, better road, and he will always feel a sense of peace that he could be there with her at the end. I feel that feeling of having done the right thing. But I miss my dog.

Life

Look like Shadow (13 yo dog) is going to die in the next few days. Her back legs have virtually stopped working and she's not eating.
Reagan (6 yo dog) was diagnosed with liver cancer this week.
My kids still have their "stuff" being teenagers.
My hamstring won't let me run.
No wonder "Calgon, take me away!" is what I hear over and over in my head.

The good news is that the sun is shining and life DOES go on.

Randomness

Dinner at Fins in Roseville last night. I'm eating whatever I want these days, which usually means mostly vegetarian with a bite or two of fish occasionally. Tim had halibut (yummy!) and I ordered all the sides, so my dinner was two bites of halibut, coleslaw, garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables -- delicious and CHEAP to order just the sides!

Something strange is going on behind my left knee. Tendons or ligaments are all tight and sore. Tried to run today -- intended to do 9 or 10 -- but ended up walk/running (mostly walking) 6 miles. Don't like body weirdness. :(

Kids have plans today (Austin's working, Tucker's going to see Wicked in SF with Tim's parents) and after Tim gets back from golfing we're taking a nap (not much sleep last night) and then heading to Auburn to hike the canyon -- FUN!!! I'm happy that springtime is finally here, at least for today!

I'm back at it on Lumosity, a brain training website. At almost 50, I can tell that my thinking just isn't as sharp as it used to be, and studies have proven that "use it or lose it" applies not only to the body but to the mind as well. So I'm playing "word bubbles" and "raindrops" and having a lot of fun with it.

Leg art

Courtney asked about my leg art. Back in the old days (2 years ago before my parents and teens started getting the best of me -- but that's another topic) I started drawing on myself before long-ish runs. My drawings were always the same -- a very simple swirling line/vine from my hip to my ankle with flowers scattered along the way.

What inspired me? The tattoo I'd love to get. What I'd love is colorful vines and flowers starting at my hip and ending at my ankle, running all down the side of my leg. Wouldn't that be GREAT as a runner?!?! So why don't I get it? Mainly because I'm not really a tattoo person. Well, in my heart I am, but on the outside I'm a somewhat conservative pushing-50 wife and mom. So I admire the heck out of other people's tattoos, but I just don't think it's for me.

So I draw on myself. I use a permanent Sharpie marker, which is probably filled with toxic chemicals, but oh well. I find that this works best if I don't use lotion before drawing. And it doesn't last much beyond the post-run shower, because the sweat from the long run seems to push the ink off.

Thanks for the writing inspiration, Courtney!

Comments

Irene -- the run was Folsom's Run with Nature. It was a lot of fun, and I found out I finished 13th in my age group (out of 75). Feeling pretty good about that! Official time was 54:55.

Diana -- I bought "Vehicle" and I love it! I've heard that song before, but had no idea that they were saying the word "vehicle"! Can't wait to get out and run to it.

Matt -- Great insights, and I do hope I can post a faster time next time (but just because I want to be faster!).

Katie -- THANKS! Today both of my sons are making me feel incredibly sad and like, "can't we just get through 10 minute at the dinner table without intense anger???" Nothing stays the same forever, though, right?

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Today's race was run to "I Can't Quit Her" and "Spinning Wheel" by Blood, Sweat, and Tears. I was reminded of this band the other day when Tucker and I were lying on the floor of his room, looking at his Woodstock poster. I haven't listened to them since I was maybe 12 or 13 years old, but I sure remembered the words, and boy oh boy do I love the horns in their songs!

So yeah, I ran a 10K today. I didn't go all out, as I have a sore hamstring. But I finished and think the clock time was 54 minutes and I'm really happy with that.

Funny thing: (already posted on dailymile, but in case you're not logging miles there...) there ws a girl with wild Hawaiian print shorts who was ahead of me the entire race. Any time I got into her peripheral vision, she'd speed up. After the 6 mile mark I started going faster. As I came even with her, she shouted "Oh no you don't!" and sped up. I called "You're welcome!" after her. Then she must have slowed slightly because we crossed the finish line with her maybe half a step ahead of me. I was not racing her, but she was definitely racing me!

Merci!

Thank you to everyone who took any time at all to read what I wrote and especially to those who wrote comments. You warmed my heart, so again, merci!

I'm running a 10K in the morning. When I signed up I was thinking it would be a race with a goal time (maybe 51 - 52 minutes?) in mind, but alas, that is not to be. On Thursday I strained my left hamstring. Happened at mile 4 of 6, and I could feel it as I reached my leg out while semi-sprinting to "I Can't Quit Her" by Blood, Sweat, and Tears. When I got home I iced. Today I didn't run at all. And tomorrow I'm just going to cover the distance, enjoying the sunshine and the race environment.

So now it's almost 11:00 and I really want to go to bed, but my garage is filled with teenagers playing ping pong. They are really good kids and I think I could go to bed and all would be fine. But maybe I'll fold laundry for a half hour or so more, then see where things are. I definitely see a nap in my future. (Wow, I haven't even gone to bed and I'm already planning for a nap? That definitely makes me old!)

Enjoy the weekend!

Thought for a beautiful Friday

"Enjoying the Small Things" is an amazing blog written by a 30-something mom, writer and photographer. Today I found this on her "about this blog" page. If we could really TRULY internalize this, think how limitless our lives would be!

Life is hard. But it's also amazing, and I will rock the hell out of it.

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova

Toe in the water

Yes, when life gets overwhelming I stop blogging. But I love to write, and it's it MOST important to do stuff you love when life is tough?

So will I blog regularly? I honestly don't know. But am I writing now? Yep. So what's going on now?

Well, I'm still running and doing yoga and staying active. Ran the Big Sur Marathon in April with a 4:29 time. It was a wonderful experience. Six days later I ran a half marathon here in town. Whew! And now I'm enjoying the freedom and playfulness that comes with no big race on my schedule. Although I am running a 10K this weekend, but that's about doing something fun, not about a target finishing time or anything.

Tim's in Florida on a golf trip and having a blast. :) I get to drive his fun car.

My kids are teenagers with their own lives. It's tough to see people you love trying to navigate life when life gets tough for them. The only thing that makes sense to me is to love them. Actually the only thing that makes sense in life is love, when you come right down to it.

Well, I'm about to wake up my not-very-happy son (I know this from his demeanor last night and from his Facebook post where he said he wanted to curl up in a little ball) then yoga DVD, then on to my parents house to take dad to the grocery store. One foot in front of the other, right?